TimedText:1800THISISLEGAL Recording (Last Week Tonight with John Oliver).ogg.en.srt
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{Organ Music Playing} Greetings Caller!
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Praise be to you.
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You have reached 1 800 THIS IS LEGAL
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The official toll free telephone number
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for Our Lady of Perpetual Exemption Church
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This is your pastor, Megareverend, and CEO: John Oliver speaking.
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If you are interested in sending us money, praise be...
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Please send it to the following address.
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Our Lady of Perpetual Exemption, P.O. Box 1954 New York, NY 10113
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I'll say that again caller, Praise be, praise be.
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Our Lady of Perpetual Exemption, P.O. Box 1954 (like the year), New York, NY
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Zip code: 10113
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Zip code one more time 'cause it's important: 10113
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Praise be caller, Praise be.
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If you send us money, you will be greeted by many miracles, caller, many miracles.
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Our miracles being a term so subjective, it's technically meaningless
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And many, being defined for the purpose of this call, as a number that could indeed be zero.
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Obviously you do not have to send us money to be a member of this church,
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However, if you don't send us money, God will be extremely angry with you.
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His words, not mine.
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Now, if you're not interested in sending us money right now,
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Please get off the phone, and go find somebody who is.
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Do it. Do it. Do That.
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Get off the phone, Get off the phone right now,
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And find someone who is willing to give me money.
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Go now. Put the phone down now,
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And go get someone with money.
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[Increasing in volume] Go do it now.
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[Shouting] Get off this phone now, And go find someone
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to Give Me Money!!
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[Screams]
Give me some money!!!
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Go find some- [interrupts] I want money!!!!
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GIVE ME MONEY!!!
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[Resumes calm voice] I'm going to presume
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that you are...are doing that?
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Praise be caller, Praise be.
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Um, one more time with the address, while we’re waiting.
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Our Lady of Perpetual Exemption...P.O. Box 1954, New York, NY 10113
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[clears throat]
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I'm presuming that you are get...Finding someone to uh get me money?
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Is there someone with money there?
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Hello?
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Do you have money? Hello?
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No?
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Well, I'm going to hang up then.
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Glory be, yada yada yada, [Screams] SEND ME MONEY!!!!
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[Voiceover]
The fundraising activities of
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Our Lady of Perpetual Exemption are not directed to persons in
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Mississippi, Nevada, Pennsylvania, and South Carolina.
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Residents of those states may not donate.