Tough love

An ultimate, evolutionary explanation of tough love would state that tough love helps people adapt to challenging environments and helps them to better compete for resources due to an increase of independence. This is part of the parental investment theory that states parents want to maximise long-term wellbeing and success of their offspring, potentially through tough love.{{Cite journal |last=Trivers |first=Robert |date=1972 |title=Parental Investment Theory |journal= |via=In B. Campbell (Ed.), Sexual selection and the descent of man, 1871-1971 (pp. 136-179). Aldine de Gruyter}}

From a humanistic approach, unconditional positive regard and empathy is key to self-actualising. In tough love, positive regard is conditional to a person's changed behaviour, therefore humanists may not fully agree with tough love. To support humanist's beliefs, it was found that greater parental conditional regard was significantly associated with contingent self-esteem and increased levels of depressive symptoms.{{Cite journal |last1=Haines |first1=Jolene E. |last2=Schutte |first2=Nicola S. |date=February 2023 |title=Parental conditional regard: A meta-analysis |journal=Journal of Adolescence |language=en |volume=95 |issue=2 |pages=195–223 |doi=10.1002/jad.12111 |pmid=36345118 |issn=0140-1971|doi-access=free }}

Attachment theory and developmental psychology would emphasise the necessity for love and nurture during early childhood for emotional security and well-being in adulthood.{{Cite web |last=Howe, D., Brandon, M., Hinings, D., & Schofield, G. |date=1999 |title=Attachment Theory, Child Maltreatment and Family Support: A Practice and Assessment Model. |url=https://www.hillanclinic.com/images/reference/attachment_mentalization/Attachment_Theory_Child_Maltreatment_and_Family_Support.pdf}} A study done on attachment styles and parenting styles found a positive correlation between a secure attachment and an authoritative style.{{Cite journal |last=Nanu, E. D., & Nijloveanu, D. M. |date=2015 |title=Attachment and Parenting Styles |journal=Procedia - Social and Behavioral Sciences|volume=203 |pages=199–204 |doi=10.1016/j.sbspro.2015.08.282 |doi-access=free }}

Tough love has been found to improve collaboration performance in cross-organisational contexts in contrast to soft (nurturing) or hard (pressuring) approaches.{{Cite journal |last1=Kelman |first1=Steven |last2=Hong |first2=Sounman |date=2016-04-02 |title="Hard," "Soft," or "Tough Love" Management: What Promotes Successful Performance in a Cross-Organizational Collaboration? |url=http://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/10967494.2015.1114546 |journal=International Public Management Journal |language=en |volume=19 |issue=2 |pages=141–170 |doi=10.1080/10967494.2015.1114546 |issn=1096-7494|url-access=subscription }} It may also cause adolescents to grow with higher protective and fewer risk behaviours.{{Cite journal |last1=Newman |first1=Kathy |last2=Harrison |first2=Lynda |last3=Dashiff |first3=Carol |last4=Davies |first4=Susan |date=February 2008 |title=Relationships between parenting styles and risk behaviors in adolescent health: an integrative literature review |url=https://www.scielo.br/j/rlae/a/pd5nJtZJ4SZwZHrJbs4LRKB/ |journal=Revista Latino-Americana de Enfermagem |language=en |volume=16 |issue=1 |pages=142–150 |doi=10.1590/S0104-11692008000100022 |pmid=18392544 |issn=1518-8345}}

Diana Baumrind found four parenting styles: authoritarian, permissive, authoritative and neglectful parenting styles.{{Cite web |title=3 Parenting Styles in Depth: The Famous Diana Baumrind Study |url=https://www.positive-parenting-ally.com/3-parenting-styles.html |access-date=2024-03-27 |website=www.positive-parenting-ally.com}} Studies have shown that an authoritative parenting style, the one that most closely demonstrates tough love, is characterised by warmth, responsiveness and clear boundaries, promoting positive child outcomes.{{Cite journal |last=Baumrind |first=Diana |date=1966 |title=Effects of Authoritative Parental Control on Child Behavior |url=https://www.jstor.org/stable/1126611 |journal=Child Development |volume=37 |issue=4 |pages=887–907 |doi=10.2307/1126611 |jstor=1126611 |issn=0009-3920|url-access=subscription }} Baumrind found that it promotes well-adjusted and independent children, and that fulfilling all of a child's needs with no limits imposed is negative. The British think tank Demos says that tough love is beneficial in the development of preferred character traits in children up to five years old.[http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/8348938.stm "Tough love 'is good for children{{'"}}], BBC News, 8 November 2009.

Research have found positive effects of authoritative parenting on academic performances, however, there are cultural differences in parenting outcomes.{{Cite journal |last=Chao, R. K. |date=1994 |title=Beyond Parental Control and Authoritarian Parenting Style: Understanding Chinese Parenting Through the Cultural Notion of Training. |url=https://www.jstor.org/stable/1131308 |journal=Child Development|volume=65 |issue=4 |pages=1111–1119 |doi=10.2307/1131308 |jstor=1131308 |pmid=7956468 |url-access=subscription }} It was found that Chinese mothers scored higher than European-American mothers in control and authoritarianism, but not in authoritativeness. Another study also found that although African-American parents exhibited high levels of authoritativeness, it did not yield the same positive results on academic achievements as other ethnic groups, potentially as African-American children are more influenced by peers.{{Cite journal |last1=Steinberg |first1=Laurence |last2=Lamborn |first2=Susie D. |last3=Dornbusch |first3=Sanford M. |last4=Darling |first4=Nancy |date=1992 |title=Impact of Parenting Practices on Adolescent Achievement: Authoritative Parenting, School Involvement, and Encouragement to Succeed |url=https://www.jstor.org/stable/1131532 |journal=Child Development |volume=63 |issue=5 |pages=1266–1281 |doi=10.2307/1131532 |jstor=1131532 |pmid=1446552 |issn=0009-3920|url-access=subscription }} Chao's study revealed that Chinese parents tend to prioritise obedience and respect for authority. In contrast, European American parents typically value independence and self-expression, leading to more authoritative parenting styles that emphasise reasoning with children. In a study, authoritative parenting was associated with at least one positive child outcome and authoritarian parenting was associated with at least one negative outcome in all regions of the globe.{{Cite journal |last1=Pinquart |first1=Martin |last2=Kauser |first2=Rubina |date=January 2018 |title=Do the associations of parenting styles with behavior problems and academic achievement vary by culture? Results from a meta-analysis |url=https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/28394165/ |journal=Cultural Diversity & Ethnic Minority Psychology |volume=24 |issue=1 |pages=75–100 |doi=10.1037/cdp0000149 |issn=1099-9809 |pmid=28394165}}

Overtime, studies have shown that the popularity of tough love is diminishing,{{Cite journal |last1=Trifan |first1=Tatiana Alina |last2=Stattin |first2=Håkan |last3=Tilton-Weaver |first3=Lauree |date=2014 |title=Have Authoritarian Parenting Practices and Roles Changed in the Last 50 Years? |url=https://www.jstor.org/stable/24582743 |journal=Journal of Marriage and Family |volume=76 |issue=4 |pages=744–761 |doi=10.1111/jomf.12124 |jstor=24582743 |issn=0022-2445}} there has been a decrease in directive control and a shift in parental roles, suggesting parenting styles such as gentle parenting are gaining popularity.{{Cite journal |url=https://publications.aap.org/pediatrics/article-abstract/138/6/e20160720/52577/Socioeconomic-Gaps-in-Parents-Discipline?redirectedFrom=fulltext?autologincheck=redirected |access-date=2024-03-27 |journal=Pediatrics|doi=10.1542/peds.2016-0720 |title=Socioeconomic Gaps in Parents' Discipline Strategies from 1988 to 2011 |date=2016 |last1=Ryan |first1=Rebecca M. |last2=Kalil |first2=Ariel |last3=Ziol-Guest |first3=Kathleen M. |last4=Padilla |first4=Christina |volume=138 |issue=6 |pmid=27940675 |url-access=subscription }}

Although tough love was coined as being a positive method of changing behaviour, there are many criticisms surrounding it. Some say the term has been appropriated to justify authoritarian parenting,{{sfn|Hawkes|2016|p=62}} often seen as an extreme version of authoritative parenting and tough love.

Michelle Borba, author of No More Misbehavin': 38 Difficult Behaviours and How to Stop Them, asserts that tough love fails to recognise differences between children, failing to produce individual respect and therefore creating a power struggle. She emphasises the importance of individual boundaries and respect, stating tough love is a sign that "things in the parent-child relationship have gone south".{{Cite web |date=2021-10-08 |title=Is There Really Such a Thing as "Tough Love"? |url=https://www.fatherly.com/parenting/tough-love-is-there-really-such-a-thing |access-date=2024-03-27 |website=Fatherly |language=en}}

Baumrind observed authoritarian parenting and found an anecdotal association of parents high in control and demands and low in warmth with children that display increased aggression and low self-esteem. Other studies have found that parental involvement and monitoring are predictors of adolescent achievement, suggesting independence may not necessarily improve achievements.{{Cite journal |last=Spera |first=Christopher |date=2005-06-01 |title=A Review of the Relationship Among Parenting Practices, Parenting Styles, and Adolescent School Achievement |url=https://doi.org/10.1007/s10648-005-3950-1 |journal=Educational Psychology Review |language=en |volume=17 |issue=2 |pages=125–146 |doi=10.1007/s10648-005-3950-1 |issn=1573-336X}} Furthermore there is an increased risk of drinking, smoking and using drugs for those growing up in a neglectful or authoritarian parenting style.

When tough love becomes extreme, it may lead to punishments being used.

Physical punishment can sometimes be associated with tough love but is also very damaging to children, increasing child aggression, antisocial behaviour, lower intellectual achievements and mental health problems. However, it was found that in normative cultures physical punishment is less negative.{{Citation |last=MSD |title=The State of Research on the Effects of Physical Punishment - Ministry of Social Development |url=https://www.msd.govt.nz/about-msd-and-our-work/publications-resources/journals-and-magazines/social-policy-journal/spj27/the-state-of-research-on-effects-of-physical-punishment-27-pages114-127.html |access-date=2024-03-27 |publisher=MSD}}

When looking at prison studies, they have also shown that after three months of imprisonment, risk taking increases and attention deteriorates.{{Cite journal |last=Meijers, J., Harte, J. M., Meynen, G., Cuijpers, P., & Scherder, E. J. A. |date=2018 |title=Reduced Self-Control after 3 Months of Imprisonment; A Pilot Study |journal=Frontiers in Psychology |volume=9 |page=69 |doi=10.3389/fpsyg.2018.00069 |doi-access=free |pmid=29449824 |pmc=5799890 }} This shows that tough love may not be the best method of rehabilitation.

Tough love has also attempted to justify boot camps for teenagers which Maia Szalavitz characterizes as abusive.Szalavitz, Maia. [https://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/01/28/AR2006012800062.html "The Trouble With Tough Love"], The Washington Post, 28 January 2006. The American National Institutes of Health says that "get tough treatments do not work and there is some evidence that they may make the problem worse".[http://consensus.nih.gov/2004/2004YouthViolencePreventionSOS023html.htm 2004 Youth Violence Prevention], National Institute of Health. {{Webarchive|url=https://web.archive.org/web/20050923085144/http://consensus.nih.gov/2004/2004YouthViolencePreventionSOS023html.htm |date=2005-09-23 }} Szalavitz believes 'tough love' encourages unnecessarily harsh rules, "brutal confrontations", and a presumption that pain produces growth.{{sfn|Szalavitz|2006}}{{sfn|Jung|2015|p=109}}

In coaching contexts, it has been found that coaches more open to the ideas of others were more effective and challenged players while being supportive in a positive climate compared to coaches that toughened up their players through harsh and tough love methods.{{Cite journal |last1=Flett |first1=M. Ryan |last2=Gould |first2=Daniel |last3=Griffes |first3=Katherine R. |last4=Lauer |first4=Larry |date=2013-12-01 |title=Tough Love for Underserved Youth: A Comparison of More and Less Effective Coaching |url=https://journals.humankinetics.com/view/journals/tsp/27/4/article-p325.xml |journal=The Sport Psychologist |language=en-US |volume=27 |issue=4 |pages=325–337 |doi=10.1123/tsp.27.4.325 |issn=0888-4781|url-access=subscription }} It has also been shown that when training nurses, tough love behaviour deterred nurses from remaining in the health organisation and professions.{{Cite journal |last1=Leong |first1=Yee Mun Jessica |last2=Crossman |first2=Joanna |date=May 2016 |title=Tough love or bullying? New nurse transitional experiences |url=https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/jocn.13225 |journal=Journal of Clinical Nursing |language=en |volume=25 |issue=9–10 |pages=1356–1366 |doi=10.1111/jocn.13225 |pmid=26990585 |issn=0962-1067|url-access=subscription }}

• Corporal punishment
• Tiger parenting
• Troubled teen industry

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{{efn|name=Millikin|The book is: {{Cite book|last1=Milliken |first1=B. |last2=Meredith |first2=C. |year=1968 |title=Tough Love |location=Old Tappan, N.J. |publisher=F. H. Revell Co. |oclc=384094}}}}

{{efn|name=First use|The first use of the term in professional literature appears to be: {{cite book|title=Alcohol Highway-traffic Safety Workshop for the Judiciary |url=https://books.google.com/books?id=rKQnIKQIH2AC&q=%22tough+love%22&pg=PA1176 |year=1974 |publisher=U.S. Government Printing Office |pages=II–76}}}}

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Category:Love

Category:English phrases

Category:Behavior modification