User:Colonel Wilhelm Klink

File:Werner Klemperer Bob Crane Hogan's Heroes 1965.jpg

This is the user page for Colonel Wilhelm Klink, who has been an editor on Wikipedia since February 29, 2016. While this "Klink" fellow may seem like a genuinely stable editor and overall nice guy, do not be fooled! He is in reality quite slow, dim-witted, and basically incapable of complex thoughts. If (or rather, when) he makes any mistakes or creates any problems in his editing, please notify him on his talk page. If you do not wish to do so, just carry on with your business, pretending that you see nothing – nothing!!

As a young lad, Colonel Wilhelm Klink was "accidentally" dropped out of a third-story window by his mother; in case you hadn't guessed, he landed on his head. Upon recovering from this, he was, again, "accidentally" dropped out of a third-story window, this time by his father (sensing a theme here?). After an official investigation, the local police filled out a report on the incident consisting of just one word: "Justified".

Upon flunking out of sixteen successive preparatory schools (and being laughed out of five others), Klink's father took the initiative, enrolling him in a military academy ("Son, you are good for nothing else, so why don't you join the army?"). On his first day of service, a computer error (à la Catch-22) promoted him to the rank of colonel, at which he has remained to this day.

Despite his name, Colonel Wilhelm Klink does not reside in Klink, Germany, as he has been banned from that country for being, in the words of the German government, a "...what?...who let you in?...you...you...get out of here! Get out of here now!" Ahem. Today, Klink lives in a dumpster in Chicago, Nevada, with his six cats and his collection of used tissues.

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File:Arnulf Rainer, Körperkunst, 1979, ein Film von Herbert Brödl.jpg

This is Colonel Wilhelm Klink'sWith many thanks to the users from whose pages I found copied some of these: User:Thingg; User:Bulldog73; User:Hannahmontana and mileycyrus Fan 1; and others. "Other" section, which serves as the proverbial landfill for this proverbial garbage dump of a user page. Be forewarned: Colonel Wilhelm Klink is not responsible for any injuries sustained by readers of this content who attempt to "do something foolish" after realizing that this is not just some horrible nightmare.

• If you have read this entire page to this point, congratulations; you've just wasted five minutes of your life that you'll never get back! It's much more depressing when someone points it out to you, isn't it?
• Apparently, [https://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=Gatorade&type=revision&diff=719397389&oldid=718726384 you will get pregnant if you drink Gatorade]. Maybe even if you're a guy!
• Maybe the reason you don't like Hillary Clinton is because she's really [https://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=Hillary_Rodham_Clinton&oldid=172973079 Chuck Norris]. (Which, honestly, explains alot!)
• ...Why am I just hearing about [https://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=Extraterrestrial_life&type=revision&diff=678180768&oldid=678164464 this] now? I should have heard about it yeasterday!
• Unfortunately, the beloved mascot of retail chain Toys "R" Us, Geoffrey the Giraffe, has run into [https://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=Toys_%22R%22_Us&diff=408645607&oldid=408638366 some trouble]....
• [https://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=Wikipedia%3ANo_Trees_needed_to_be_chopped%21&type=revision&diff=166619312&oldid=151033282 I'm] definitely not a representative of the logging industry.
• Today's Advice: Never get into an argument with George Washington, because he might do [https://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=Military+career+of+George+Washington&diff=206527901&oldid=198114253 this].
• Fun (and poor spelling and grammar) at the 2016 NBA Finals: [https://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=2015–16_Cleveland_Cavaliers_season&type=revision&diff=726109242&oldid=726109054 Sometimes it's general,] and [https://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=2015–16_Cleveland_Cavaliers_season&type=revision&diff=726110179&oldid=726110168 sometimes it's personal.]
• If anybody ever murders Britney Spears, we may have a [https://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=Food_miles&diff=249768624&oldid=249768319 possible motive].
• And [https://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=Britney_Spears&type=revision&diff=9927382&oldid=9927231 another].
• [https://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=Global_catastrophic_risk&type=revision&diff=716826943&oldid=715114406 Just relax.]
• [https://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=Scissors&diff=prev&oldid=738980540 That's] gotta hurt.
• [https://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=Battle_of_Fort_Sumter&diff=prev&oldid=739098324 More proof] that many vandals have childhood issues. (The editor in this case was a disruptive user.)
• One of the [https://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=Idaho&type=revision&diff=730134689&oldid=730133264 best edit summaries] I've come across...
• If Jesus ever comes back, we should have somebody check to make sure he's not a [https://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=Bermuda_Triangle&type=revision&diff=330605143&oldid=330562204 cyclops from Bermuda.]
• Hold it, folks: we've got some BREAKING NEWS! _{Remember when that used to mean something?}
• Wow... the Bert page [https://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=Bert_%28Sesame_Street%29&type=revision&diff=665715&oldid=622391 really] used to [https://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=Bert_(Sesame_Street)&diff=prev&oldid=434820852 suck]....
• [https://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=Teddy_bear&type=revision&diff=724944910&oldid=724841154 Yipes!] I smell a horror movie plot...
• Wondering what to make for dinner? Here's [https://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=Admiral_Ackbar&diff=197279793&oldid=197084614 a suggestion]! (Just make sure none of your guests are named George Lucas.)
• [https://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=Larry_O%27Brien_Championship_Trophy&type=revision&diff=726112522&oldid=726112455 (soft weeping)]
• Have you lost all faith in humanity? No? Read [https://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=Grover&oldid=697629757 this]. How about now?
• Don't you just love [https://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=Stephen_Carr&diff=prev&oldid=736805066 British humor?]
• [https://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=Spork&type=revision&diff=729713588&oldid=719089402 The next great silverware-oriented sci-fi epic]...
• Not the best user name, but you've gotta admire the honesty.
• [https://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=Wikipedia%3ARequested_articles%2FBusiness_and_economics%2FCompanies%2FM-S&type=revision&diff=739792878&oldid=739697354 "...this brand made safe sex at the forefront of the media..."]
• Death is a [https://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=Phil_Kessel&type=revision&diff=745852166&oldid=745314604 mysterious thing]...
• [https://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?diff=598103443&oldid=597777460&title=Florida&type=revision Roadkill] is the most reliable source of all.
• Don't you just hate those [https://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?diff=540767939&oldid=540192904&title=Meaning_of_life&type=revision anticlimactic endings]?
• Oh, you silly thing, [https://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?diff=736961663&oldid=734262116&title=Kerry_Condon of course there's grass!]

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• The Main Page (In case you're having trouble finding it.)
• Stupidity (In case you had to use that last "helpful link".)
• Depression (This might apply to you if you've read this page.)
• User:Colonel Wilhelm Klink/AfD Record
• User:Colonel Wilhelm Klink/CSD log
• User:Colonel Wilhelm Klink/PROD log
• User:Colonel Wilhelm Klink/Great gift ideas
• User:Colonel Wilhelm Klink/Listcruft Hall of Fame
• User:Adam1213/warn
• User:Antandrus/observations on Wikipedia behavior
• [https://tools.wmflabs.org/musikanimal/blp_edits A handy tool] for mapping BLP edits.
• Special:RandomInCategory/Wikipedia essays
• Special:RandomInCategory/User essays
• Something beautiful... (Shockingly, this one's real.)

Apparently, someone (possibly the nefarious Klink himself) has made a grievous error in creating an "Accolades and Achievements" section for Colonel Wilhelm Klink. While he is rather skilled when it comes to washing vegetables by hand and picking change up from the sidewalk, it is not possible for him to have fulfilled any of the tasks or achieved any of the criteria specified below. If you do not see many userboxes or awards below, it is a sign that the forces of good are at work, and that you will most likely have a very merry Christmas. Please, folks: If you value the truth, ignore this section!

It should be noted that the "Petition Against Ignore All Rules Abuse" userbox was stolen from the user page of User:Ser Amantio di Nicolao. But seriously, we all knew that deep down, right?

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style="background-color: #fdffe7; border: 1px solid #fceb92;" |style="vertical-align: middle; padding: 5px;" | 120px |style="vertical-align: middle; padding: 3px;" | You have a good sense of humor, and I appreciate your work thus far. GABHello! 23:35, 12 March 2016 (UTC)

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{{collapse top|title=The "Something For Nothing" Award}}

style="background-color: #fdffe7; border: 1px solid #fceb92;" |rowspan="2" style="vertical-align: middle; padding: 5px;" | 100px |style="font-size: x-large; padding: 3px 3px 0 3px; height: 1.5em;" | The Original Barnstar

style="vertical-align: middle; padding: 3px;" | for your perfectly splendid username. OnionRing (talk) 18:37, 30 May 2016 (UTC)

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{{collapse top|title=The "BLP-PROD Appreciation" Award}}

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Thank you for your warning about my Anne Byrne page. I always appreciate guidance in creating acceptable Wikipedia articles. x

JackHeslop91 (talk) 18:24, 12 June 2016 (UTC)

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{{collapse top|title=The "Something From A User With Only Three Edits Who Hasn't Made Any Contributions To The Encyclopedia Except To Give People Awards So It Really Can't Mean Much But, What The Hell, It's Free Stuff, Right?" Award}}

style="background-color: #fdffe7; border: 1px solid #fceb92;" |style="vertical-align: middle; padding: 5px;" | 70px |style="vertical-align: middle; padding: 3px;" | Danke Colonel! Tsch_uss! Dimensional Control (talk) 21:37, 9 August 2016 (UTC)

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{{collapse top|title=The "I Have A Poor Sense Of Humor" Award}}

style="background-color: #fdffe7; border: 1px solid #fceb92;" |rowspan="2" style="vertical-align: middle; padding: 5px;" | 100px |style="font-size: x-large; padding: 3px 3px 0 3px; height: 1.5em;" | 5 Star-Incredibly Funny User Page

style="vertical-align: middle; padding: 3px;" | Mixed a happy beverage, grabbed a bag of Cheetos, got comfy in a cushy chair with my laptop, and started reading. I was pleasantly surprised...(to hell with PC) had to clean spewed beverage from my monitor and pick Cheetos up off the floor. After what I've been wading through today, it was a welcome distraction! Thank you for sharing!! Atsme📞📧 01:18, 30 August 2016 (UTC)

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