Off the derech

Derech, Hebrew for “path” or “way,” bears a religious connotation: those who follow the derech ascribe to both ancient and modern rabbinic authority which determines a way of life, both communal and private. In Orthodox Judaism, halakha (Jewish law) is viewed as the ultimate authority on how to lead a good and morally upstanding life, and living by its code demonstrates one's commitment and is necessary for belonging within certain communities. The term "off the derech" originated within Haredi communities to describe a physical move away from family and peers as well as abandonment of religious, ethical, and cultural principles. With the high level of existential importance for the individual and the community as a whole to stay on the derech, the term in its original setting is one of disapproval, even when not translated into active shunning of the individual.

Some exiters reject the term because of its history and meaning within Orthodox communities, and some reject it as giving credence to perceived religious superiority or a false binary of being either on or off the prescribed path with no room for any deviation.{{cite web |title='The Derech': Of Entrances and Exits |url=https://18forty.org/articles/introduction-to-otd-of-entrances-and-exits/ |access-date=7 May 2023 |website=18Forty}} But many exiters reclaim it and use it as convenient shorthand or as a defiant phrase, celebrating its subversive meaning as an antidote to the stigmatization it connotes. Alternatives used are XO, signifying "ex-Orthodox" while also playing on a term for "love"; ex-Jew, found in blogs; ex-Hasidic or ex-Haredi, offering a more specific indication of one’s native community; and Apikores, derived from the Greek philosopher Epicurus. The last term, first invoked in rabbinic Mishnaic literature and often used as a slur by community members, has extended in meaning to loosely include anyone who expresses a view regarded not only as heretical but even as heterodox.

"Off the derech" has become the most commonly used term among Jews of current or previous Orthodox affiliation to describe an act of departure from a Jewish religious lifestyle, and it is also increasingly used within mainstream parlance, blogging, journalism, and scholarship to identify a brand of secularism born out of a lived experience within a rigidly Orthodox home and community.

In Modern Hebrew, the process of halting or decreasing religious observance is known as yetziah besheelah. This term, loosely translated as "leaving in question," plays on "returning in repentance", the popular term for those who move in the other direction by becoming Orthodox after being raised without Orthodoxy.

Movement away from traditional religious practices and communities toward secularity has a rich tradition in modern Jewish and Jewish American literature, much of which is echoed in the OTD phenomenon. The Haskalah, the Jewish Enlightenment in Europe that ran parallel in time to the European Enlightenment, was similarly a determined move toward secularization that challenged rabbinic authority, though on a greater scale. Comparable to the OTD phenomenon in the Digital Age, the Haskalah arose in an era of unprecedented opportunities for participation in the non-Jewish world and access to diverse bodies of knowledge.{{cite book |last1=Fader |first1=Ayala |url=https://press.princeton.edu/books/hardcover/9780691169903/hidden-heretics |title=Hidden Heretics |date=26 May 2020 |publisher=Princeton University Press |isbn=978-0-691-16990-3 |page=34 |language=en |access-date=7 May 2023}} In 19th-century Europe, more girls than accounted for may have voluntarily left Orthodox Judaism, since many stories of girls being abducted by convents{{Cite book |last=Araten |first=Rachel Sarna |title=Michalina: Daughter of Israel |publisher=Feldheim Publishers |year=1986 |isbn=978-0-87306-412-5 |edition= |location= |language=}} may actually have been voluntary defection.{{Cite book |last=Manekin |first=Rachel |title=The Rebellion of the Daughters: Jewish Women Runaways in Habsburg Galicia. |publisher=Princeton University Press |year=2020 |isbn=9780691194936 |location=Princeton, NJ |pages=55–104}} Early 20th-century American Jewish immigrant stories consistently tell of an initial departure from a native community, usually located in Eastern Europe or Russia, followed by a secondary departure from their religious and cultural practices.

Nevertheless, OTD literature distinguishes itself as "a movement that originates in the Postmodern world and moves toward, if anything, one that is Post-postmodern," bringing with it its own unique sociological and anthropological aspects.{{cite book |last1=Cappell |first1=Ezra |url=https://sunypress.edu/Books/O/Off-the-Derech2 |title=Off the derech : leaving Orthodox Judaism |last2=Lang |first2=Jessica |date=2020 |publisher=The State University of New York Press |isbn=9781438477244 |location=Albany |pages=IX-XIV |access-date=7 May 2023}}

A 2013 survey on American Jews conducted by the Pew Research Center, which included more than 500 Orthodox participants,{{Cite web |last1=Cooperman |first1=Alan |last2=Smith |first2=Gregory A. |title=Eight facts about Orthodox Jews from the Pew Research survey |url=https://www.pewresearch.org/fact-tank/2013/10/17/eight-facts-about-orthodox-jews-from-the-pew-research-survey/ |access-date=2023-02-10 |website=Pew Research Center |date=17 October 2013 |language=en-US}} found that 52% of Jewish adults who were raised Orthodox were no longer Orthodox. When subdivided by age, it found that 17% of these are accounted for by those under the age of 30, 43% by those aged 30–49, 59% by those aged 50–64, and 78% by those aged 65 and above. Some experts think that the higher attrition rate in the older age groups is possibly "a period effect in which people who came of age during the 1950s, 1960s and 1970s left Orthodoxy in large numbers."{{cite web |date=October 2013 |title=Chapter 3: Jewish Identity |url=https://www.pewresearch.org/religion/2013/10/01/chapter-3-jewish-identity/#denominational-identity}}

A subsequent 2020 study found the attrition rate to be at 33%."The [more recent 2020] survey included too few interviews with those raised as Orthodox Jews to be able to subdivide them by year or decade of birth." This lower rate may be due (at least in part) to the fact that in this study, the sample of adults who were raised as Orthodox Jews includes a larger percentage of people under the age of 30.{{Cite web |last=Mitchell |first=Travis |date=2021-05-11 |title=Jewish Americans in 2020 |url=https://www.pewresearch.org/religion/2021/05/11/jewish-americans-in-2020/ |access-date=2023-02-10 |website=Pew Research Center's Religion & Public Life Project |language=en-US}}

The JPR's preliminary report from the 2013 National Jewish Community Survey showed that 36% of participants who were raised Central Orthodox were no longer Orthodox (an additional 6% had gone "right" to Haredi Orthodoxy). There was no data available to demonstrate shifts in the British Haredi community.{{Cite web |title=Jews in the United Kingdom in 2013 {{!}} JPR |url=https://www.jpr.org.uk/reports/jews-united-kingdom-2013 |access-date=2023-02-10 |website=www.jpr.org.uk |date=24 February 2014 |language=en}}{{Cite web |title=Synagogue membership in the United Kingdom in 2016 {{!}} JPR |url=https://www.jpr.org.uk/reports/synagogue-membership-united-kingdom-2016 |access-date=2023-02-10 |website=www.jpr.org.uk |date=14 July 2017 |language=en}}

Lived experience is different in various sections of Orthodox Judaism, which includes Modern Orthodoxy, Haredism, Yeshivish Orthodoxy (which can denote Haredi and/or Modern Orthodox communities), Hasidism, and more.{{Cite book |last=Bernstein |first=Dainy |title=Artifacts of Orthodox Jewish Childhoods |publisher=Ben Yehuda Press |year=2022 |isbn=9781953829252 |pages=xiii-xv}} Experiences also differ based on gender. Despite these differences, however, the broad outlines of reasons people leave any Orthodox Jewish community remain similar. Reasons include sexual abuse, forbidden sexual orientations or gender, lack of belief / belief in other theories, patriachal socity, or dislike of the culture.{{Cite web |title=Kids Going "Off the Derech": Reasons, Reactions, and Responses - TheYeshiva.net {{!}} Rabbi YY Jacobson |url=https://www.theyeshiva.net/jewish/item/9370/rabbi-yy-interviewed-on-orthodox-conundrum-podcast-kids-going-off-the-derech-reasons-reactions-and-responses |access-date=2024-08-05 |website=TheYeshiva.net by Rabbi YY Jacobson |language=en}}{{Cite web |last=Pruzansky |first=Rabbi Steven |date=2012-10-19 |title=Why Are Our Teens Going Off the Derech? |url=https://www.ou.org/life/parenting/why-are-our-teens-going-off-derech-steven-pruzansky/ |access-date=2024-08-05 |website=OU Life |language=en-US}} Often, if the leaver does not feel welcome in the community, they will leave altogether instead of finding other communities, although some go to other forms of Judaism, such as Reform.{{Cite magazine |last=Lavin |first=Talia |date=2015-07-31 |title=Off the Path of Orthodoxy |url=https://www.newyorker.com/news/news-desk/off-the-path-of-orthodoxy |access-date=2024-08-05 |magazine=The New Yorker |language=en-US |issn=0028-792X}} One study by Roni Berger found four milestones common in the narratives of study participants: 1) initial questioning; 2) growing doubts; 3) beginning to share selectively with a small group of trusted others; 4) revealing a new and altered identity.Berger, Roni. [http://www.jewishjournalofsociology.org/index.php/jjs/article/download/83/79 "Leaving an Insular Community: The Case of Ultra-Orthodox Jews."] Jewish Journal of Sociology 56, no. 1/2 (2014): 75-98. This process of religious disaffiliation is echoed by Helen Rose Fuchs Ebaugh in a 1988 article about former nuns, which she outlines as 1) first doubts; 2) seeking and weighing role alternatives; 3) a turning point; 4) establishing an ex-role identity.{{Cite book |title=Falling from the faith : causes and consequences of religious apostasy |date=1988 |publisher=Sage Publications |others=Bromley, David G. |isbn=0803931883 |location=Newbury Park, Calif. |oclc=16356164}}

Lynn Davidman's 2014 book acknowledges the often messy process of leaving, including a period of "passing" when individuals move between two worlds.{{Cite book |url=https://global.oup.com/academic/product/becoming-un-orthodox-9780199380503?cc=us&lang=en& |title=Becoming Un-Orthodox: Stories of Ex-Hasidic Jews |date=2014-12-01 |publisher=Oxford University Press |isbn=9780199380503 |location=Oxford, New York}} This period is characterized by confusion, doubts, depression, and defiance, but also by self-confidence and courage to leave the regimented world they grew up in and begin to live in another world. In addition, because of the community's insularity, some people who experience the first stages of doubt, confusion, and depression don't see a way out and instead reconcile themselves to remaining.Margolese, Faranak (2005). Off the Derech. Jerusalem, Israel: Devora Publishing Company. p .34. Those who are married and/or have children often make choices about suppressing doubts or negotiating acceptable trespasses with their spouses in order not to jeopardize their spouse and children's standing in the community.{{Cite book |last=Fader |first=Ayala |title=Hidden Heretics: Jewish Doubt in the Digital Age |publisher=Princeton University Press |year=2020 |isbn=9780691169903 |pages=185–204}}

An individual's decision to discontinue practicing Orthodox Judaism is likely based on the presence of one or more of three key causes: emotional, intellectual, or implementational issues. Nishma Research carried out a survey of OTD individuals in 2016, which recorded a widely-varied and complex set of reasons people give for leaving, and the process in which they do so, including emotional, intellectual, or implementational issues.{{Cite web |title=Social Research |url=http://nishmaresearch.com/social-research.html |access-date=2018-01-29 |publisher=Nishma Research |language=en}} An earlier study by journalist Faranak Margolese came to the conclusion that: "Most formerly observant Jews today seem to have left, not because the outside world pulled them in, but, rather, because the observant one pushed them out. They experienced Judaism as a source of pain…so they did what was natural: go in the other direction."{{Cite book |last=Margolese |first=Faranak |title=Off the Derech: Why Observant Jews Leave Judaism; How to Respond to the Challenge |publisher=Devora Publishing Company |year=2005 |location=Jerusalem, Israel |pages=37}} These and other studies point to social and emotional aspects of Haredi Judaism, especially individuals' feelings of being silenced, marginalized, or ignored within the rigid social structure, as important factors in individuals' decisions to leave.

Some selected reasons revealed by these studies include bad behavior and perceived hypocrisy in the community, especially from community leaders; oppressive community norms; experiencing religious observance as a condition for parents' or teachers' love or approval; experiencing molestation, rape, or other sexual abuse; difficulty reconciling strict interpretations of Torah and Talmud with knowledge of natural science; and disbelief that the Torah or Jewish path is correct.{{Cite web |last=Kofer |first=Chatzkaleh |date=2019-05-27 |title=Why I went Off-the-Derech |url=http://www.offthederech.org/why-i-went-off-the-derech/ |access-date=2021-03-12 |website=Off the Derech |language=en-US}}

Sexual abuse is indeed found to be reported among OTD individuals at a much higher rate than among the overall Orthodox and general population. According to a 2018 study, formerly Orthodox people are more than four times as likely to report childhood sexual abuse compared to currently Orthodox people and those never affiliated with Orthodox Judaism. A 2019 study on OTD adults reports that 25% of male respondents and 30% of female respondents said that they had experienced sexual abuse within Orthodox Jewish communities, though the questioning was not specific enough to determine the prevalence of sexual abuse in minors.Joel Engelman, Glen Milstein, Irvin Sam Schonfeld & Joshua B. Grubbs (2020) Leaving a covenantal religion: Orthodox Jewish disaffiliation from an immigration psychology perspective, Mental Health, Religion & Culture, 23:2, 153-172, DOI: 10.1080/13674676.2020.1744547

Like experiences of those leaving Orthodox Judaism, attitudes of those who remain differ across the many sections of Orthodox Judaism. Attrition from Orthodoxy is seen by the family and the Orthodox community at large as a serious problem for Jews as it threatens the Orthodox population of Jews, causes assimilation, and breaks the intergenerational chain of the Orthodox traditions and laws for living.{{cite thesis |id={{ProQuest|2572552076}} |last1=Steinberg |first1=Nancy Pauline |year=2021 |title=Lived Experiences of Young Adult Orthodox Jews Who Have Chosen Attrition from Orthodoxy |page=34}} In a 2023 survey, "people going off the derech" was collectively ranked by Haredi respondents as the third to fourth "top communal priority for the next decade"; Modern Orthodox respondents placed it as priority number twelve.{{cite web |title=REPORT - The Nishma Research Jewish Community Profile (March 2023) {{!}} Nishma Research |url=https://nishmaresearch.com/social-research.html |access-date=8 April 2023 |website=nishmaresearch.com}}

Attitudes of Orthodox individuals and leaders toward those who have left range from considering them heretics to be shunned and/or mourned as dead{{Cite web |last=blackkpaint |date=2021-01-06 |title=Sitting Shiva for someone who isn't dead? |url=http://www.reddit.com/r/Judaism/comments/ks0jpk/sitting_shiva_for_someone_who_isnt_dead/ |access-date=2022-10-01 |website=r/Judaism}} (the latter having fallen out of vogue more recently{{Cite book |last1=Cappell |first1=Ezra |title=Off the Derech: Leaving Orthodox Judaism |last2=Lang |first2=Jessica |publisher=State University of New York Press |year=2020 |isbn=978-1-4384-7726-8 |pages=366}}), to regarding them as being wayward people in pain who must be shown love.Ruddell, Batya. [https://www.amazon.com/Their-Derech-Batya-Ruddell/dp/1600916511 On Their Derech: The Conversation Continues]. Tfutza Publications, 2019. ISBN 978-1600916519 Showing love to those perceived as being in pain is most often seen in regard to teens,{{Cite web |title=Treatment of teens off the derech – The Yeshiva World |url=https://www.theyeshivaworld.com/coffeeroom/topic/treatment-of-teens-off-the-derech |access-date=2024-03-10 |website=www.theyeshivaworld.com}} where the attitude is that if "a parent goes down the path of love and acceptance - that child will be far less likely to go down that rabbit hole. And may even return to observance."{{Cite web |last=Maryles |first=Harry |date=2021-08-20 |title=Emes Ve-Emunah: Empathy for Parents with an OTD Child |url=https://haemtza.blogspot.com/2021/08/empathy-for-parents-with-otd-child.html |access-date=2024-03-10 |website=Emes Ve-Emunah}} In the view of Haredi leadership and Haredi psychologists, questions of faith are a symptom of abuse, depression, anxiety, addiction or life problems, and through addressing these issues one is likely to return to their former beliefs.Must Watch: Why Do Kids Go off the Derech: Q & A with the Experts. Directed by shiezoli, 2021. YouTube, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=18LkrkKQSk8. For this reason, individuals who lose faith are often pathologized for their inability or unwillingness to conform.{{cite journal |last1=Fader |first1=Ayala |date=March 2017 |title=Ultra-Orthodox Jewish interiority, the Internet, and the crisis of faith |url=https://www.journals.uchicago.edu/doi/epdf/10.14318/hau7.1.016 |journal=HAU: Journal of Ethnographic Theory |language=en |volume=7 |issue=1 |pages=200–201 |doi=10.14318/hau7.1.016 |issn=2575-1433 |s2cid=148852638}} "At risk," a term used in secular arenas to describe minors "less likely to transition successfully into adulthood" due to a variety of social and emotional factors,{{Cite web |date=2021-07-19 |title=Definition of an At Risk Youth - At Risk Youth Programs |url=https://atriskyouthprograms.com/definition-of-an-at-risk-youth/,%20https://amp.dev/documentation/examples/components/amp-vimeo/index.html,%20https://amp.dev/documentation/examples/components/amp-youtube/index.html |access-date=2024-03-10 |language=en-US}} was adapted by Orthodox people to include those at "spiritual risk," defined as a decline in observance, a decline in spiritual beliefs, and/or violation of socio-cultural norms and rules, elements which can manifest into leaving Orthodox Judaism.{{cite journal |last1=Nadan |first1=Yochay |last2=Gemara |first2=Netanel |last3=Keesing |first3=Rivka |last4=Bamberger |first4=Esther |last5=Roer-Strier |first5=Dorit |last6=Korbin |first6=Jill |date=1 July 2019 |title='Spiritual Risk': A Parental Perception of Risk for Children in the Ultra-Orthodox Jewish Community |journal=The British Journal of Social Work |volume=49 |issue=5 |pages=1198–1215 |doi=10.1093/bjsw/bcy092}}

Many former Haredim speak of having been ostracized by their families, although it is also not uncommon for families to retain close ties with such children. A 2021 study focusing on OTD individuals raised in Yeshivish (Lithuanian Haredi) communities concludes that "In the Yeshivish world it appears that [the family] remaining close, not cutting off a child because they are OTD, is a pattern and not an exception."{{cite thesis |id={{ProQuest|2572552076}} |last1=Steinberg |first1=Nancy Pauline |year=2021 |title=Lived Experiences of Young Adult Orthodox Jews Who Have Chosen Attrition from Orthodoxy |page=138}} In a Mishpacha interview, Shimon Schneebalg, a Hasidic Rabbi in Israel, encouraged parents of OTD children to fully accept that their child has taken "a different path" and to love their child unconditionally.{{cite web |date=11 April 2022 |title=The Love Doesn't Stop |url=https://mishpacha.com/the-love-doesnt-stop/}} In 2018, in what the Jerusalem Post termed a "remarkable" video, Rabbi Gershon Eidelstein was filmed saying that parents of an OTD son should not reprimand their child for bringing a girlfriend into the home or lighting a cigarette on shabbos.{{Cite web |date=2018-01-15 |title=Leading Haredi rabbi: Non-religious children deserve respect |url=https://www.jpost.com/israel-news/leading-haredi-rabbi-non-religious-children-deserve-respect-536838 |access-date=2024-03-10 |website=The Jerusalem Post {{!}} JPost.com |language=en}}

Agudath Israel of America, a leading ultra-Orthodox organization, regularly addresses the topic of individuals leaving Orthodox Judaism. At their national conventions in 2015 and 2016, they addressed the topic in panels titled "Chanoch La’naar: Nurturing Our Children, Ensuring Our Future,"{{Cite web |last=Rupp |first=BenTzion |date=2013-11-18 |title=Contemporary Parenting Challenges - Agudath Israel of America |url=https://agudah.org/contemporary-parenting-challenges/ |access-date=2024-03-10 |language=en-US}} "OTD: Why Do They Leave? And What Can We Do About It?"{{Cite web |last=Rupp |first=BenTzion |date=2015-11-16 |title=Convention 2015 Concludes with Candid Discussion of "Off the Derech" Phenomenon - Agudath Israel of America |url=https://agudah.org/convention-2015-concludes-with-candid-discussion-of-off-the-derech-phenomenon/ |access-date=2022-10-01 |language=en-US}} and "Diving Off The Derech: The Emerging Adult At Risk Phenomenon."{{Citation |last=Israel |first=Agudath |title=Agudah Convention 2016 Diving Off The Derech The Emerging Adult At Risk Phenomenon |date=2016-11-22 |url=https://vimeo.com/192635382 |access-date=2018-01-29}} The topic also appears frequently in their now-defunct magazine, The Jewish Observer, like the January/February 2006 issue devoted to the topic of "Kids@Risk Revisited."{{Cite journal |last=Wolpin |first=Nisson |title=Kids at Risk - An Overused Phrase? |url=https://agudah.org/the-jewish-observer-vol-39-no-1-januaryfebruary-2006-tevesshevat-5766/ |journal=The Jewish Observer |date=9 February 2006 |volume=39 |issue=1}}

For those who leave and are married with children, the community tends to embrace the spouse left behind and help raise funds for legal support to help that person retain custody of the children, sometimes accomplished through community emergency fundraising appeals which are backed by the Haredi community leadership.{{multiref|"The High Price of Leaving Ultra-Orthodox Life - The New York Times" https://www.nytimes.com/2017/03/30/magazine/the-high-price-of-leaving-ultra-orthodox-life.html|"When Living Your Truth Can Mean Losing Your Children - The New York Times" https://www.nytimes.com/2018/05/25/nyregion/orthodox-jewish-divorce-custody-ny.html|{{cite web |title=The strictly Orthodox Jewish mothers pressured to give up their children |url=https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/resources/idt-75361d40-67f0-4544-bb29-c9bee5b2251f |website=BBC News |access-date=27 September 2022}}|{{cite web |title=Appeal launched in Stamford Hill to fund legal fees in custody battles |url=https://www.thejc.com/news/uk/stamford-hill-appeal-launched-to-help-children-in-custody-battles-1.500105 |website=The Jewish Chronicle |access-date=27 September 2022}}}} One such event in 2016 in Stamford Hill, London was graced by the presence of senior rebbes who had flown in from Israel to attend, which helped to attract a reported 1,500 strong attendance, each of whom was asked for a minimum donation of £500. A flyer for the event contained a letter from Rabbi Ephraim Padwa, spiritual head of the UOHC, in which he wrote: "To our great pain, and our misfortune, our community finds itself in a terrible situation – 17 of our pure and holy children where one of the parents, God rescue them, have gone out into an evil culture, and want to drag their children after them."{{cite web |title=The strictly Orthodox Jewish mothers pressured to give up their children |url=https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/resources/idt-75361d40-67f0-4544-bb29-c9bee5b2251f |access-date=27 September 2022 |website=BBC News}}{{cite web |title=Charedim raise £1m for child custody war chest |url=https://www.thejc.com/news/uk/charedim-raise-1m-for-child-custody-war-chest-1.62779?reloadTime=1664236800035 |access-date=28 September 2022 |website=The Jewish Chronicle}}

Orthodox leaders and parents have set up organizations to counsel those whose relatives are OTD. Some of the organizations include Project Yes{{Cite web |last=YES |first=Project |title=Project YES - Author at Aish.com |url=https://aish.com/authors/211940111/ |access-date=2024-03-10 |website=Aish.com |language=en-US}} and MASK (Mothers and Fathers Aligned Saving Kids).{{Cite web |title=Home |url=https://maskparents.org/ |access-date=2022-10-01 |website=MASK Parents |language=en-US}} Additionally, Shabbatons, groups, and events are organized to support parents dealing with an OTD child.{{Cite web |date=2019-05-22 |title=Shabbaton for Parents of OTD Youth |url=https://collive.com/shabbaton-parents-otd-youth/ |access-date=2022-10-01 |website=COLlive |language=en-US}} Rabbis and leaders also provide support and advice for children whose parents have left Orthodoxy.{{Cite web |last=Student |first=Gil |date=2021-07-26 |title=Honoring an OTD Parent |url=https://www.torahmusings.com/2021/07/honoring-an-otd-parent/ |access-date=2022-10-01 |website=Torah Musings |language=en-US}}

Haredi community members interviewed by the BBC "argue[d] that the stories of people who leave cast the community - a vulnerable minority at risk of anti-semitic attack - in a bad light and that it’s unfair." A hashtag trend #MyOrthodoxLife{{Cite web |last=Lobell |first=Kylie Ora |date=2021-07-16 |title=Jewish Women Showing Off #MyOrthodoxLife in Response to Netflix's "My Unorthodox Life" |url=https://jewishjournal.com/commentary/columnist/338798/jewish-women-showing-off-myorthodoxlife-in-response-to-netflixs-my-unorthodox-life/ |access-date=2022-10-01 |website=Jewish Journal |language=en-US}} followed the release of the 2021 reality TV show My Unorthodox Life, and similar campaigns often arise when OTD narratives are in the spotlight in attempts to center Orthodox stories joy and silence ex-Orthodox stories of pain or dissatisfaction.{{Cite web |last=Bernstein |first=Dainy |date=2021-07-20 |title=There's Plenty of Room for Both Orthodox and Ex-Orthodox Stories |url=https://www.heyalma.com/theres-plenty-of-room-for-both-orthodox-and-ex-orthodox-stories/ |access-date=2024-03-10 |website=Hey Alma |language=en-US}}

Multiple hardships and losses are involved in one's process of disaffiliation from Orthodox Jewish communities, especially from Haredi Orthodoxy, which can include loss of family, loss of employment, divorce, loss of custody of children, and loss of community and social structure.{{Cite journal |last1=Engelman |first1=Joel |last2=Milstein |first2=Glen |last3=Schonfeld |first3=Irvin Sam |last4=Grubbs |first4=Joshua B. |date=2020-02-07 |title=Leaving a covenantal religion: Orthodox Jewish disaffiliation from an immigration psychology perspective |url=https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/13674676.2020.1744547 |journal=Mental Health, Religion & Culture |language=en |volume=23 |issue=2 |pages=153–172 |doi=10.1080/13674676.2020.1744547 |issn=1367-4676}} Additionally, those who leave must adjust and acculturate to new ways of life and thinking outside of their communities of origin.

Individuals who leave ultra-Orthodox Judaism often face rejection from friends and family members. This knowledge often leads individuals who have doubts to first try to reconcile their doubts, in order to avoid the risk of losing family and friends. These individuals are generally pathologized by community leaders and experts and this attitude can often cause them to doubt their own sanity for having questions.{{cite journal |last1=Fader |first1=Ayala |title=Ultra-Orthodox Jewish interiority, the Internet, and the crisis of faith |journal=HAU: Journal of Ethnographic Theory |date=March 2017 |volume=7 |issue=1 |pages=201 |doi=10.14318/hau7.1.016 |s2cid=148852638 |url=https://www.journals.uchicago.edu/doi/epdf/10.14318/hau7.1.016 |language=en |issn=2575-1433}} At this stage, individuals often experience anxiety and depression. Some contemplate, attempt, or commit suicide.{{Cite web |author=staff/batya-ungar-sargon |date=2015-08-12 |title=Why Do So Many Jews Who Leave The Ultra-Orthodox Community Commit Suicide? |url=http://gothamist.com/news/why-do-so-many-jews-who-leave-the-ultra-orthodox-community-commit-suicide |url-status=dead |archive-url=https://web.archive.org/web/20200615210855/https://gothamist.com/news/why-do-so-many-jews-who-leave-the-ultra-orthodox-community-commit-suicide |archive-date=2020-06-15 |access-date=2020-06-15 |website=Gothamist |language=en}} Media coverage of Faigy Mayer's 2015 suicide led to a spate of think-pieces about OTD suicides.{{Cite news |title=Faigy Mayer's Brave Life and Shocking Death |work=The Forward |url=https://forward.com/news/317900/the-brave-life-and-shocking-death-of-faigy-mayer/ |access-date=2018-01-29}} Mental health advocates within the Orthodox and OTD communities have raised concerns about suicide and overdose rates in both.{{Cite web |date=2015-08-05 |title=Breaking the silence on Jewish suicide |url=https://www.bbc.com/news/magazine-33772400 |access-date=2023-02-10 |website=BBC News |language=en-GB}}{{Cite news |title=What Drives Former Haredim to Suicide? And What Can We Do to Stop It? |language=en |work=Haaretz |url=https://www.haaretz.com/jewish/2015-07-25/ty-article/struggling-ex-hasids-are-every-jews-responsibility/0000017f-f8e7-d2d5-a9ff-f8ef83480000 |access-date=2023-02-10}} However, reliable statistics are not available as the matter has not been formally researched.{{Cite web |date=2017-01-02 |title=2016 'Worst Year' for Ultra-Orthodox Suicides, Overdoses |url=https://forward.com/news/358204/insiders-warn-of-an-epidemic-of-suicide-and-overdose-on-the-ultra-orthodox/ |access-date=2023-02-10 |website=The Forward |language=en}} Leaving any faith-based community often has traumatic effects; for many, losing a lifelong sense of reliance and security through believing in divine providence can be a difficult adjustment.Baier, K.E.M. The Meaning of Life; in Angeles, P. (1976). Critiques of God. Buffalo, NY: Prometheus Books. p. 318 OTD individuals also struggle with ingrained ideas about God's punishment, often leading to extreme feelings of guilt. Guilt among questioning individuals sometimes leads them to commit self-harm as a way of punishing themselves for perceived wrongs towards God, family and community.{{Citation needed|date=November 2021}}

While psychological effects can be overwhelming in the initial years after leaving, the majority of OTD individuals report success in attaining their desired objectives in leaving. In Engelman's 2019 survey, 59% reported that they accomplished the goals they expected by leaving; 30% reported that they somewhat accomplished those goals; and 11% reported that they did not accomplish those goals.

Leaving the community entails adjusting to a secular world where attitudes to many subjects are different and social life works differently. Some find it hard to adapt to aspects of the general public's day to day lifestyle, which can leave them with feelings of inadequacy and alienation.{{Cite news |title=Off the derech |work=BBC |url=https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p04n1x7p |access-date=2021-03-12}} Leaving a close-knit community where every member of the community is taken care of is often financially challenging as well. Individuals who leave ultra-Orthodox communities often have difficulty maintaining contact with families who may disapprove of their choices. To counteract the feelings of isolation and alienation, many individuals form groups of friends who get together for Shabbat dinners and other practices with cultural significance.{{Citation |last1=Ewing |first1=Heidi |title=One of Us |date=2017-10-20 |url=https://www.imdb.com/title/tt7214842/ |others=Etty, Chani Getter, Ari Hershkowitz |access-date=2018-01-29 |last2=Grady |first2=Rachel}}

Some Orthodox Jews remain in the community despite losing their faith. In the 2016 Nishma survey of OTD individuals, 33% of the respondents reported that they were posing as religious. These people are sometimes referred to as Reverse Marranos,{{cite journal |last1=Fader |first1=Ayala |date=2014 |title=Anthropology and History |journal=American Jewish History |volume=98 |issue=1 |pages=1–8 |doi=10.1353/ajh.2014.0003 |s2cid=162235842}}{{cite web |title=Introduction: an anthropological approach to Jews and Judaism. |url=http://www.thefreelibrary.com/Introduction%3a+an+anthropological+approach+to+Jews+and+Judaism-a0358314512 |access-date=26 December 2015 |website=Thefreelibrary.com}} double-lifers, in the closet OTD, or Orthoprax Jews.{{cite web |title=Secretly seduced by science, Hasidic atheists lead a double life – Batya Ungar-Sargon - Aeon Essays |url=https://aeon.co/essays/secretly-seduced-by-science-hasidic-atheists-lead-a-double-life |website=Aeon.co}} The decision to stay is often influenced by fear of being ostracized and having to rebuild community, or by fear of losing one's spouse and/or children. Many of these individuals join online communities of people of OTD experience, often using pseudonyms to avoid being outed.Fader, Ayala. "Hidden Heretics." In Hidden Heretics. Princeton University Press, 2020. 39% of double-lifers say it is likely they will leave their community at some point.

Some OTD individuals have become activists by founding, or volunteering within, organizations which advocate for specific changes within the community.{{citation needed|date=September 2022}} Some examples include ZAAKAH, which works to prevent child sexual abuse;{{cite web |date=21 May 2012 |title=Ultra-Orthodox Jews Rally to Discuss Risks of Internet |url=https://www.nytimes.com/2012/05/21/nyregion/ultra-orthodox-jews-hold-rally-on-internet-at-citi-field.html |access-date=26 December 2015 |work=The New York Times}}{{Cite news |date=2017-06-28 |title=Why We Protested In Midwood Last Sunday – ZAAKAH |language=en-US |work=Some People Live More in 20 Years... |url=https://hareiani.com/2017/06/27/why-we-protested-in-midwood-last-suday-zaakah/ |access-date=2018-01-29}} YAFFED, which advocates for basic secular education{{Cite news |title=Yaffed |url=http://www.yaffed.org/ |access-date=2018-01-29}} among ultra-Orthodox Jews especially amid Hasidim; and JQY, which focuses on LGBTQ+ causes.{{Cite web |title=Home Page - JQY |url=https://www.jqyouth.org/ |access-date=2018-01-29 |website=Jqyouth.org |language=en-US}}

Many formerly Orthodox individuals seek community and discussion about their former beliefs and new lives in online and in-person groups. A number of OTD organizations have emerged; Footsteps, founded in New York in December 2003, provides educational, vocational, and social support to people who have left or want to leave a Haredi or Hasidic community in the United States. Hillel is its equivalent in Israel,{{cite web |title=Hillel |url=https://hillel.org.il |access-date=25 September 2022 |website=Hillel.org.il}} Besht Yeshiva Dresden in Germany, [https://www.pathwaysmelbourne.org Pathways Melbourne] in Australia and Mavar and [https://geshereu.org.uk Gesher] in the UK. Freidom, a non-profit in the US, provides social support and cultural guidance via programs and events. Project Makom was founded in July 2014 by the nonprofit Jew in the City, and "helps former and questioning Charedi Jews find their place in Orthodoxy".{{Cite web |title=Project Makom {{!}} Who We Are |url=https://projectmakom.org/who-we-are/#history |access-date=2018-01-29 |website=projectmakom.org |language=en-US}} Informal communities have also developed on websites, blogs, and Facebook groups.{{cite web |title=Facebook Off the Derech Group - Facebook |url=https://www.facebook.com/groups/offthederech/ |access-date=26 December 2015 |work=Facebook}}{{Cite web |title=5 questions for Akiva Weingarten |url=https://www.juedisches-museum.ch/en/i-cut-a-shtreimel-in-half-and-sewed-two-shirts-together/}}

In the first few decades of the twenty-first century, a number of stories of people leaving Orthodox Judaism have gained a degree of fame in the general public's eye. Fictional and autobiographical narratives existed in smaller numbers in the twentieth century.{{Cite web |title=Unorthodox Reading Companions: Going Off the Derech with Quarantine's Hottest Show |url=https://www.nypl.org/blog/2020/05/01/unorthodox-reading-companions |access-date=2024-06-13 |website=www.nypl.org}}

Notes:

• The genre of "OTD literature" is much debated among ex-Orthodox individuals and scholars who study the phenomenon, with some who consider writings of the haskalah to be part of this corpus and some who define the genre as belonging to a particular historical moment beginning in the twentieth century.{{Cite book |url=https://sunypress.edu/Books/O/Off-the-Derech2 |title=Off the Derech |language=en-US}}
• The books, films, and others listed below are varied in their approaches to and portrayals of both Orthodox communities and exiters of those communities.
• Several of these texts which received rave reviews in some publications, primarily the Netflix miniseries Unorthodox and the Netflix reality show My Unorthodox Life,{{Cite news |last=Poniewozik |first=James |date=2020-03-25 |title=Review: 'Unorthodox,' a Stunning Escape From Brooklyn |url=https://www.nytimes.com/2020/03/25/arts/television/unorthodox-review-netflix.html |access-date=2024-06-13 |work=The New York Times |language=en-US |issn=0362-4331}}{{Cite web |date=2021-07-28 |title='My Unorthodox Life' is a microcosm of America's divide |url=https://religionunplugged.com/news/2021/7/28/my-unorthodox-life-is-a-microcosm-of-americas-divide |access-date=2024-06-13 |website=Religion Unplugged |language=en-US}}{{Cite web |last=Heller |first=Jane |title=My Unorthodox Life Promotes Independence |url=https://berkleyspectator.com/2342/entertainment/my-unorthodox-life-review/ |access-date=2024-06-13 |website=THE SPECTATOR}} have also generated spirited debate about stereotypical portrayals of Orthodox communities{{Cite web |date=2021-08-13 |title='My Unorthodox Life' just another show distorting Orthodox Jews - opinion |url=https://www.jpost.com/opinion/my-unorthodox-life-just-another-show-distorting-orthodox-jews-opinion-676618 |access-date=2024-06-13 |website=The Jerusalem Post {{!}} JPost.com |language=en}}{{Cite web |title=Netflix's My Unorthodox Life perpetuates harmful Jewish stereotypes, some say |url=https://www.cnet.com/culture/entertainment/netflixs-my-unorthodox-life-perpetuates-harmful-jewish-stereotypes-some-say/ |access-date=2024-06-13 |website=CNET |language=en}} and alleged inaccurate sensationalized representations of those who leave.{{Cite web |last=Bernstein |first=Dainy |date=2021-07-20 |title=My ex-Orthodox life isn't glamorous, but my story should be told |url=https://www.jta.org/2021/07/20/ideas/my-ex-orthodox-life-isnt-glamorous-but-my-story-should-be-told |access-date=2024-06-13 |website=Jewish Telegraphic Agency |language=en-US}}{{Cite AV media |url=https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aN2su0HH2fM |title=Ex Hasidic Jew Reviews - My Unorthodox Life |date=2021-08-14 |last=Chaim Samuels |access-date=2024-06-13 |via=YouTube}}{{Cite web |last=Elinsky |first=Kate |date=2020-05-03 |title=My Scandalous Rejection of Unorthodox |url=https://jewishreviewofbooks.com/articles/7564/telling-the-otd-tale-or-my-scandalous-rejection-of-unorthodox/ |access-date=2024-06-13 |website=Jewish Review of Books |language=en-us}} Some reviews highlight the real-life negative and sometimes dangerous effects of certain representations,{{Cite web |last=Singer |first=Jenny |date=2021-07-14 |title='My Unorthodox Life' Is Compelling TV That Could Make Life Harder for Some Jews |url=https://www.glamour.com/story/my-unorthodox-life-is-compelling-but-could-make-life-harder-for-some-jews |access-date=2024-06-13 |website=Glamour |language=en-US}} and some embrace the ambivalence of having representation even if imperfect.{{Cite web |title=Going Off Script: The Contradictory Pleasures of Unorthodox |url=https://ingeveb.org/blog/going-off-script-the-contradictory-pleasures-of-unorthodox |access-date=2024-06-13 |website=In geveb |language=en}} According to Shira Schwartz, a greater number of representations of Haredim are shown in popular media even if there may be equal numbers of non-Haredi OTD experiences, possibly as a strategy to attract secular interest through the shock and intrigue in the narratives of visibly-different people shedding religious attire.{{Cite web |last=Schwartz |first=Shira |date=January 25, 2022 |title=The Unorthodox Choice (@theTable: "Unorthodox Media") |url=https://www.fsrinc.org/thetable-the-unorthodox-choice/ |website=Feminist Studies in Religion}}

• Apostasy in Judaism
• Baal teshuva, a Jew raised in a non-observant family who becomes observant as an adult
• Ex-Mormon
• Ex-Muslims
• Exvangelical
• Frum, to describe observant Jews
• Heresy in Judaism
• Jewish atheism
• Jewish Buddhists
• Jewish secularism
• Reverse Marranos
• Religious disaffiliation

{{Reflist}}

• {{cite journal |last1=Berger |first1=Roni |title=Challenges and coping strategies in leavening an ultra-Orthodox community |journal=Qualitative Social Work |date=September 2015 |volume=14 |issue=5 |pages=670–686 |doi=10.1177/1473325014565147 |url=https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/1473325014565147 |language=en |issn=1473-3250}}
• Enstedt, Daniel, et al., editors. Handbook of Leaving Religion. Brill, 2020. JSTOR, http://www.jstor.org/stable/10.1163/j.ctv2gjwshc.
• {{cite book |last1=Newfield |first1=Schneur Zalman |title=Degrees of separation: identity formation while leaving ultra-Orthodox Judaism |date=2020 |publisher=Temple University press |location=Philadelphia, Pa |isbn=978-1439918951 |url=https://tupress.temple.edu/books/degrees-of-separation}}
• {{Citation |url=http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/8435275.stm |title=High cost of leaving ultra-orthodox Judaism |newspaper=BBC |first=Heather |last=Sharp |date=11 January 2010}}
• {{cite web |last1=Winston |first1=Hella |title=Unchosen : the hidden lives of Hasidic rebels |url=https://archive.org/details/unchosenhiddenli00wins |publisher=Boston : Beacon Press |date=2005}}

Category:Disengagement from religion

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Category:Jewish atheism

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