Talk:Another One Rides the Bus/GA1

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{{al|{{#titleparts:Another One Rides the Bus/GA1|-1}}|noname=yes}}
:This review is transcluded from Talk:Another One Rides the Bus/GA1. The edit link for this section can be used to add comments to the review.

Reviewer: Jclemens (talk · contribs) 05:47, 5 January 2017 (UTC)

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style="vertical-align:top;" ! width="30" | Rate ! width="300"| Attribute ! | Review Comment

style="vertical-align:top;" | colspan="3" | 1. {{Wikipedia:Good article criteria/GAC|1}}: {{GATable/item|1a|?|Several comments on the wording/phrasing below should be addressed. }} {{GATable/item|1b|y|Lead seems like it might be a bit on the short side, but not unreasonable given the length of the article. }}

style="vertical-align:top;" | colspan="3" | 2. {{Wikipedia:Good article criteria/GAC|2}}: {{GATable/item|2a|y|Fine. }} {{GATable/item|2b|y|No issues noted. }} {{GATable/item|2c|y|No issues noted. }} {{GATable/item|2d|y|Everything flagged by Earwig's copyvio detector is properly cited to the source. }}

style="vertical-align:top;" | colspan="3" | 3. {{Wikipedia:Good article criteria/GAC|3}}: {{GATable/item|3a|y|Fine. }} {{GATable/item|3b|y|Fine }} {{GATable/item|4|y|No issues noted. }} {{GATable/item|5|y|No edit warring noted. }}

style="vertical-align:top;" | colspan="3" | 6. {{Wikipedia:Good article criteria/GAC|6}}: {{GATable/item|6a|y|Plausible FURs noted. }} {{GATable/item|6b|y|Fine. }} {{GATable/item|7|y|Passing per the improvements made. Good Job! }}

• The lead is a bit convoluted:
• "The song, which describes a person riding in a crowded public bus, was recorded live on September 14, 1980, on the Dr. Demento Show, hosted by Barret "Dr. Demento" Hansen." needs to be at least two sentences.
• :It now reads: "The song describes a person riding in a crowded public bus. It was recorded live on September 14, 1980, on the Dr. Demento Show, hosted by Barret "Dr. Demento" Hansen."
• "Critically, the song has been well received, and Brian May, the guitarist of Queen, has singled it out as an exemplar spoof of the parody's source material." This may need to be two sentences also, but 'exemplar spoof of [...] source material' is a needlessly convoluted construction.
• :It now reads: "Critically, the song has been well received, and Brian May—the guitarist of Queen—has expressed his amusement with it."
• "While practicing the song outside the sound booth, Yankovic met Jon "Bermuda" Schwartz who told Yankovic he was a drummer." Drummer is overlinked no matter what. Did Scwartz pretend to be a drummer? Might "who offered to drum for him" be more straightforward?
• :I've tried to rewrite this whole section to make it a little easier to read and a bit less redundant: "While practicing the song outside the sound booth, Yankovic met Jon "Bermuda" Schwartz, who offered to provide percussion for his performance. Because Yankovic did not have a drum kit, Schwartz kept the beat by rhythmically striking Yankovic's accordion case."
• "quandry therein"? Simplify that a bit please. The article is discussing comedy recordings, let's bring it down in reading level.
• :Done.--Gen. Quon (Talk) 14:32, 5 January 2017 (UTC)
• "care of the North Pole" avoid using wikilinks in direct quotes.
• :I've kept a link it, but now it directs the user to Wiktionary, as I feel the term 'care of' might (alas) be lost on those (i.e. 'the youths') who have not regularly sent post. If you don't know what 'care of' means, then the sentence "I think one went to Santa Claus, care of the North Pole" is somewhat hard to understand.--Gen. Quon (Talk) 14:32, 5 January 2017 (UTC)
• I'd like to hear more about the transfer to Deacon. Was this his pattern in later creations? How did Deacon take it? Was this part of Al's nascent respectful treatment of the artists he parodied? Inquiring minds would like to know.
• :Honestly, all I know is that which I put into Note 1. At some point the copyright was transferred, and Yankovic isn't listed anywhere as an author. This hasn't been his modus operandi since, so I suspect that your hypotheses are correct (I'm guessing he was preemptively trying to prevent a lawsuit, just in case). Unfortunately, I can't find any good sources that specifically discuss this in detail.--Gen. Quon (Talk) 14:32, 5 January 2017 (UTC)

{{ping|Jclemens}} thank you for the review. How does the article look now?--Gen. Quon (Talk) 14:32, 5 January 2017 (UTC)

• "Yankovic was accompanied by Jon "Bermuda" Schwartz, making this the first song of Yankovic's that Schwartz would play percussion on." Passive voice, preposition is a bad word to end a sentence with, etc.
• "Hoping to capitalize on the success of the song, Yankovic originally released "Another One Rides the Bus" on an EP of the same name, which he self-released." Self-released can replaced the first 'released', eliminating the need for the trailing clause.
• You use a comma after the first word or two of a majority of sentences in the lead: "Later," "In 1983," "Critically,"... And that's just the lead.

I don't want to have to go through and nitpick your prose for you sentence-by-sentence. You've got FAs on your wall, I would like to see writing that shines brighter than this by default. I reviewed my first Weird Al GA over 8 years ago, and I love that people are still doing them... but I want the prose to be a bit easier to read, flow conversationally, and be devoid of things that make me sit up and say "well, that was an awkward way to say that" or "Um, what did that mean?". You know? Give it a whole run through, read it with a friend or significant other, and see if you can't just polish things a good bit better. You've got all the information, all the forms, and aren't doing anything wrong... it's just the prose could stand improvement. Is that enough guidance? Jclemens (talk) 18:38, 6 January 2017 (UTC)

:{{ping|Jclemens}} I have performed my [https://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=Another_One_Rides_the_Bus&type=revision&diff=759179319&oldid=758848309 first copy-edit]. Am I on the right track here?--Gen. Quon (Talk) 17:53, 9 January 2017 (UTC)

::Yes, you've done a good job. There's still a few simple things to fix, which I will do for you. Jclemens (talk) 05:32, 11 January 2017 (UTC)