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Wokepedia Presents:
Custer’s Penultimate Stand
(or “Everything You Know is Wrong.”)
Wikipedia: Reliable. Accurate. Informative.
Weaponry of the Lakota and Cheyenne:
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Weaponry of the Seventh Cavalry:
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Gallery
File:Wild Bill Hickok sepia.png |This portrait is often mistaken for that of George Armstrong Custer: the photograph, in fact, is that of Buffalo Bill Cody, “sugar-daddy” to “little sure-shot” Annie Oakley.
File:Calliope - The Wonderful Operonicon (1874).jpg|Twenty mules hauled this enormous calliope into battle on Custer’s orders. The tone-deaf general was convinced that a rendition of the Irish drinking song “Garry Owen” would “terrify” the Lakota villagers. Apparently, Custer was unaware that Sitting Bull invented the calliope.
File:Elizabeth Bacon Custer - Brady-Handy.jpg|Reports that the 597 troopers of the 7th Cavalry “enjoyed” Mrs. Elizabeth Custer’s “favors” while her husband was absent from Fort Abraham Lincoln have been wildly exaggerated. Reliable estimates place the number at less than 150.
File:Valley of the shadow of death.jpg|“Valley of the Shadow of Death”—Cheyenne-style: A view of Battle Ridge after Custer’s devastating defeat at the “Last Stand.” Cheyenne deployment of light field artillery proved highly effective against US army cavalry units.
File:Richard Barthelmess in Massacre.jpg|Rare photograph of famed Hunkpapa chieftain Gall. He led the charge from " Henryville” that drove Company L from John C. Calhoun Hill, after which “the fun began.”
File:Caloocan Annual Tilbury Race 46.jpg|Captain Myles Walter Koegh's beloved steed “Comanche.” Despite suffering over 23 bullet wounds, this stalwart stallion emerged as the only survivor among Custer’s five doomed companies. (The sex toy now marketed as “Custer’s Revenge” was modeled on Commanche’s—or perhaps Koegh’s—impressive “endowment.”)
File:Flying Saucer (5757968693).jpg| US Army survivors of the Battle of the Little Bighorn reported seeing UFOs in the vicinity just prior to the fight. Why didn’t extraterrestrials intervene on Custers’ behalf? Why? JUST TELL ME THE F*CK WHY!!!!
File:F Troop cast 1965.JPG | Television’s “F Troop” (aired on ABC, 1965-1967). Perhaps the most beloved and historically accurate portrayal of this famed cavalry company who died with Custer’s battalion. Forensic evidence suggests that the plucky Company “F” cheerfully committed suicide when their situation became hopeless at the “Last Stand.”
File:Jack Warner portrait copy.jpg| Even the mighty Hollywood movie mogul Jack Warner could not save the noble General Custer.
File:Boeing B-52 dropping bombs.jpg| Despite the high hopes of military strategist Philip Sheridan, saturation bombing failed to subdue the noncombatant members of the Indian village. Lakota lodges, made of sturdy buffalo hides, were virtually impervious to fragmentation and incendiary explosives.
File:Wigwam Village Motel 2000.jpg|Major Marcus Reno and his battalion encountered over a thousand of these tacky “tee-pees" as they approached the Indian village. ($26 per night, TV, telephone and air conditioning in every room: Sorry, no pets.)
File:John Rambo.jpg | Eugenicists agree: had the soldiers of Custer’s regiment been of mixed German and Lakota heritage ("That's a hell of a combination!") they would likely have prevailed at the Little Bighorn.
File:Fat Man (replica of nuclear bomb).jpg| Custer flatly refused to deploy this experimental nuclear device (invented by the 29-year-old Thomas Edison), which would likely have assured his victory. Custer’s rather lame excuse was that it “smelled funny.”
File:Myles Keogh 1872.jpg| The “Kowardly Kaptain Koegh”: Souix and Cheyenne testimony confirms that this Irish-American officer of “I” Company pleaded for his life on bended knee. A Minicanjou maiden is said to have dispatched the :blubbering blarney boy” with a bullet from his own Colt revolver.
File:PzIV.Saumur.000a5s6s.jpg|thumb|PzIV.Saumur.000a5s6s]]|Consider this perennial “counterfactual” posed by serious Custer scholars: Could Hitler’s Panzer Divisions have defeated Sitting Bull’s and Crazy Horse’s mounted units? The jury remains deadlocked on this fascinating and still relevant question.
File:Wes Studi visiting with Gavin Newsom - 2019 03.jpg|Let’s face it: Wes Studi’s portrayal of the the scary Pawnee warrior in Dances With Wolves (1990) was, quiet simply, brilliant. (Editorial note: I met Mr. Studi in Terlingua, Texas when he was filming Lone Justice 2 (1995). Honestly, I did. A perfect gentleman.)
File:Army Camel Corp training.jpg| Known affectionately as “Bump” by members of the 7th, this female dromedary was Custer’s favorite “steed” on the 1876 campaign. She was gifted to the “boy” General by admirer and former Confederate President Jefferson "camel boy" Davis.
File:Toy popgun.jpg|The much disparaged model 1873 Allen “trap-door” Springfield carbine. Custer’s men complained bitterly that the corks frequently jammed in the barrel. Alternatives existed: Many troopers preferred weilding their two-fisted, Arthurian “ Excalibur.” Pocket-sized Gatling guns were de rigueur among commissioned officers.
File:Meuble héraldique hâche de boucher.svg|The 7th’s infamous, ax-wielding “Angel of Death" Lizzie “bovine” Borden. Just 16-years-of-age, this “Lil’ Heifer” served as both scout and concubine to the pedophilic Custer. Described as a homicidal maniac in Lakota and Cheyenne accounts, Lizzie’s legacy is said to have inspired the massacre at My Lai in 1969.
File:Dead man's hand.jpg|The Battle of the Little Bighorn was settled, not in a fight, but a game of Euchre between Sitting Bull and Custer.