User:Pendright/sandbox

• According to Vucinich, from when Tomasevich was 25 until his death at 86, he engaged himself in a succession of research projects , some of which [some] were very extensive.

::Look this over

• Between 1934 and 1938, Tomasevich published three books.

::Suggest -> Tomasevich had three books published?

• The following year, he published Financijska politika Jugoslavije, 1929–1934 (Fiscal Policy of Yugoslavia, 1929–1934) in Serbo-Croatian, covering much of the same material but more accessible to Yugoslavs.[1]

::he "had" pubished?

• A 1940 review of the book in Weltwirtschaftliches Archiv, by Professor Mirko Lamer – who later served with the United Nations as an expert at the Food and Agriculture Organization – described Novac i kredit as an important work that filled a large gap in Yugoslav economic literature, and gave a vivid picture of then-current economic theory.[9]

::and "it" gave

• Irwin T. Sanders of the Department of Sociology at the University of Kentucky reviewed the book in 1956 and stated that it was "the best book available for anyone wishing to understand the socio-economic pre-Communist background of Yugoslavia", contained realistic evaluations of the peasant political parties, and concluded that "there is little question about the soundness of his economic analysis or his description of the participation of the peasant in national life".

::Think about splitting this 72 word sentence?

• The first volume focused on the Chetnik movement led by Draža Mihailović, and [which was] subtitled The Chetniks , [and] appeared in 1975.

::Look this over

• Auty praised Tomasevich's detachment from the subject, and stated that it was "likely to remain the standard book on this subject for a long time."

::and "she" stated

• The second volume of his planned trilogy – War and Revolution in Yugoslavia 1941–1945: Occupation and Collaboration – concentrated on collaboration and the quisling governments in Yugoslavia during the war,[1] with a strong emphasis on the Axis puppet state, the so-called Independent State of Croatia led by Ante Pavelić, the head of the fascist Ustaše movement, and was published posthumously in 2001 with editing from his daughter Neda.

::Could you split this 67 word sentence?

• In a review of the book published the following year, the Royal Military Academy Sandhurst lecturer and German historian Klaus Schmider described Tomasevich's grasp of the sources in five languages as "stupendous",[19] and [they] observed that the result was well worth the twenty-six-year wait between the volumes.

::Add "they"

• The third volume in the planned trilogy, which was to cover the Partisans, was 75 per cent complete at the time of his death,[1] and as of 2024 , [it] remains unpublished.[19]

::Suggest the above change

This is it for now!

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Dorothy Olsen -FACR - 3/5/24

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Lead

• Dorothy Eleanor Olsen (née Kocher; July 10, 1916 – July 23, 2019) was an American aircraft pilot and member of the Women Airforce Service Pilots (WASPs) in World War II. She grew up on her family's farm in Oregon, developing an interest in aviation at a young age. She earned her private pilot's license in 1939, when it was unusual for women to be pilots.

::Woodburn, Oregon would be more reader friendly

• When the United States entered the war, she joined the WASPs where she was a civilian employee of the military.

::*The U.S. declared war on Japan and Germany on December 11, 1941, but the WASP was not formed as such until August 1943 -> Change the introductory phrase accordingly

::*a civilian employee of the military -> the Department of Defense (and other sources) confirm that the WASP members were United States federal civil service employees who were attached to the United States Army Air Forces. https://www.defense.gov/News/News-Stories/Article/Article/684700/wasps-were-pioneers-for-female-pilots-of-today-tomotrow/

::*After training in Texas, she was assigned to the Sixth Ferrying Group in Long Beach, California where she worked ferrying new aircraft to airbases from the factories where they were built.

::*Add a comma after California

::*Consider: ferrying new aircraft from factories where they were bulit to U.S. airbases -> gets rid of one where.

• After the war, Olsen retired from flying and moved to Washington, where she raised a family and lived for the rest of her life.

::*Washington state is reader freindly

::*Drop the comma after Washington

::*where she "married and"

• In 2009, she was awarded the Congressional Gold Medal honoring her service during the war.

::The medal was awarded to the WASP and she and others were the recipients of it.

• Olsen died in 2019, at the age of 103.

::Drop the comma after 2019

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Early life

• Dorothy Eleanor Olsen (née Kocher; July 10, 1916 – July 23, 2019) was an American aircraft pilot and member of the Women Airforce Service Pilots (WASPs) in World War II.

::*and " a" member of

::*"during" WWII

• She grew up on her family's farm in Oregon, developing an interest in aviation at a young age.

::*Could we beef this up a bit more: Did she attend local schools - what high school did she graduate from and when; was she active in school clubs or sports?

:::*What did she do between high school graduation and getting her pilots lic.?

• She decided she wanted to fly airplanes when she was eight, after reading The Red Knight of Germany, Floyd Gibbons's biography of World War I flying ace Manfred von Richthofen.

::*In the first nine words of this sentence, the word she is used three time?

::*Drop the comma after eight

• Her introduction to flight was when she took a biplane ride at a state fair, which inspired her to take flying lessons;[2][3] the cost of the flight reportedly used her entire savings.[4]

::This sentence has four pronouns referring to Olsen without nemtioning her proper name -> Suggest starting the sentence with her proper name and rephrasing to drop at least one pronoun

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WASPs

• Snce the Olsen story revolves around the WASP, why not tell readers a bit about this organization such as - it was formed by the merging of two similar orgaizations and who were the envolved principals, how many miles did it collectively fly, how much were members paid, number of fatalities etc.
• Olsen joined the Woman Airforce Service PIlots (WASPs) in 1943 when the program was created; this was an organization of women pilots who took non-combat flying jobs as civilian employees of the military.

::*How about a little context here: how did Olsen learn the WASP was recruiting, where did she sign up, how much was she to be paid per month etc?

::*PIlots -> sp

::*non-combat -> noncombatan?

• Initial training was in the Fairchild PT-19, progressing to the Vultee BT-13, the North American AT-6, and finally to the twin-engine Beechcraft AT-11.[6]: time index 15:10 

::*Drop the first comma & add and then

::*time index 15:10?

• Olsen initially hated her training, but stayed with the program to avoid the embarrassment of dropping out;[8] in a 2010 interview, she recollected crowded housing, insects, and poor weather which made the conditions "pretty primitive".[6]: time index 59:54 

::*but "she" stayed

::*Change which to that

• Despite being sick with a cold on her return, she passed a checkride which included aerobatic maneuvers, allowing her to stay with her class although she struggled to catch up.[8]

::Change which to that

• She graduated on August 7, 1943[2][8] and was assigned to the Sixth Ferrying Group in Long Beach, California.[10]

::Add a comma after 1943

• Olsen flew 61 missions for the U.S. Army Air Corps, delivering brand new planes from the factory.

::According to this link, U.S. Army Air Corps, the USAAC became the United States Army Air Forces (USAAF) on 20 June 1941.

::Is the word "brand" necessary?

• A typical assignment was to ferry a P-38 or P-51 from Long Beach to Newark, New Jersey, then get a military transport flight to Niagra Falls, New York, where she would pick up a Bell P-63 for delivery to Great Falls, Montana and then return to Long Beach for another trip.

::*A typical assignment "for Olsen" was

::*Add a comment after Montana

::*Niagra -> sp

::*pickup is one word

• When the WASP program ended in 1944, the pilots were discharged at their home bases, with no transportation allowance to get back home.[3]

::Add "but" after bases,

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After the war

• After the war, she married Harold W. Olsen of the Washington State Police Department, and moved to University Place, Washington.

::and 'they' moved

• Nerve damage from a dental procedure left her deaf for many years but at the age of 80, she received cochlear implants which restored her hearing.

::*Add a comma after years and drop the comma after 80

::*Change which to that

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Battle of Big Black River Bridge A/C-2/26/24

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I leave you with a passel of comments and look forward to your responses.

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Lead

• During the American Civil War, the city of Vicksburg, Mississippi, was a key point on the Mississippi River.

::Since the ACW is spelled out in the previous sentence could abbreviate it to 'war' here

• On April 30, 1863, a Union army commanded by Major General Ulysses S. Grant began crossing onto the east side of the Mississippi River.

::Why - add just a bit of context?

• After [engaging and] defeating Confederate forces in several intermediate battles, Grant's army defeated Lieutenant General John C. Pemberton's Confederates at the decisive Battle of Champion Hill on May 16.

::Consider the above change

• One division of Pemberton's army, commanded by Major General William W. Loring, had become cut off from Pemberton's main body during the retreat from Champion Hill.

::Consider this version: During the retreat from Champion Hill, one division of Pemberton's army, commanded by Major General William W. Loring, was cutoff from Pemberton's main body.

• Pemberton did not know of the location of Loring's division, and [he] held a bridg[e]head on the east side of the Big Black River on the morning of May 17 to cover Loring's anticipated withdrawal across the river [on the morning of May 17].

::Consider the above changes

• Union Brigadier General Michael Kelly Lawler advanced his troops into an old meander in advance of the main Union line on the north end of the battlefield.

::advanced his troops to an old meander on the river?

• Th[e]is withdrawal became chaotic and roughly 1,750 Confederate soldiers and 18 cannons were captured; with the cannons [were] captured due to an error that left their [because the teams of horses [horse-drawn cannons were erronouesly] positioned on the other side of the Big Black River.

::*Consider the above changes

::*The number reported under "Aftertnath" is 1,751?

• The surviving Confederate soldiers entered the fortifications at Vicksburg, Mississippi, and the siege of Vicksburg began the next day[;] , [it] end[ed] ing in [the] a Confederate surrender on July 4, [1863].

::Consider the above changes

​

Background

• The strategically important city of Vicksburg, Mississippi, was still in Confederate hands, [and it served] serving as a strong defensive position that commanded the river and pr[e]vented the Union from separating the two halves of the Confederacy.[4]

::Consider the above changes

• An attempt to cut Williams's Canal across a meander of the river in June and July, bypassing Vicksburg, failed.[7][8]

::Consider: An attempt during June and July to cut-across Williams's Canal, a meander in the river, that bypassed Vicksburg failed.

• Grant ordered a retreat after a supply depot and part of his supply line were destroyed during the Holly Springs Raid on December 20 and Forrest's West Tennessee Raid.

::*Since Grant did not order a retreat until after the his supply lines were destroyed this might be a better way to phrase it?

::*Does the date apply to both raids?

• [Then] A [a]fter diverting up the Yazoo River, Sherman's men began skirmishing with Confederate soldiers [who were] defending a line of hills above the Chickasaw Bayou.

::Consider the above changes

• The advance along the west bank of the Mississippi began on March 29, and [it] was spearheaded by Major General John A. McClernand's [XIII Corps] troops , the XIII Corps.

::Consider the above changes

​

Prelude'

• On April 29, the Union Navy's Mississippi Squadron, commanded by David Dixon Porter, attempted to bombard the Confederate defenses at Grand Gulf, Mississippi, but the resulting Battle of Grand Gulf failed to drive the Confederates away.

::attempted [?] to bombard

• On the morning of May 12, McPherson's encountered Confederate troops near Raymond, Mississippi, bringing on the Battle of Raymond.

::McPherson's or McPherson?

• A delaying action was fought on May 14.[26]

::A bit of context here would help?

• However, Johnston then marched his army away from the area in which a combination with Pemberton could easily be made.

::Could "have been" easily made

• While Pemberton favored making a stand behind the Big Black River, he was convinced by some of his subordinate officers to make an offensive strike towards where Grant's supply line was believed to be.[29]

::Is towards necessary?

• Pemberton did not know that Grant had forgone utilizing a traditional line of communications during his movement inland.[30]

::*What is the significance of this to readers

::*The sentence above does not seem to transition well with the one below?

• While the Confederates began a difficult march, Grant moved west in three columns towards Edwards.[31]

::Why was the march difficult?

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Battle

• [In preparing for what was likely to transoire,] Pemberton had a portion of his army hold a [the] line east of the Big Black River , in order to prevent Loring from being cut off from the main Confederate body at the crossing.

::*Consider the above changes -> Transition (linguistics)

::*cutoff is one word

::*What crossing?

• In early May[37] the Confederate defense line had been laid out by Samuel H. Lockett.[38]

::*defense line, or defensive line?

::*Change had been to was

• The works were made of cotton bales and dirt.

::*works seems more like a collective noun?

::*The defensive line of the previous sentence seems to be the works in this sentence, and the works is also used in some sentences that follow - in which case readers need some clarity of the term.

• To the south lay a body of water named Gin Lake[,] ; the Confederate right flank was at the lake , with the line running north to the Big Black River, which made a bend east of the bridge across the Big Black River.

::Consider the above changes

• The [tracks] path of the railroad ran on a raised [roadbed] embankment.

::*Consider the above changes

::*I'm unable to find how this sentence relaates to any other sentence, fact or idea?

• The Confederate line was just west of the bayou, and trees were felled at the bayou to form abatis.

::"an" abatis

• Bowen commanded this 5,000-man force, which he deemed insufficent to strongly man the entire Confederate defensive works.[44]

::insufficent -> sp?

• The Confederates had 18 cannon.[35]

::Why is cannon sigular?

• Vaughn's men and the 4th Mississippi were positioned in an area north of the railroad where the enemy was least expected to attack, and Brigadier General Martin E. Green's brigade held the far left.[49]

::Change enemy to the Union

• If the Confederates were forced to retreat, they would have [had] to cross open ground to the bridge and Dot, which would become bottlenecks in a retreat.

::Consider the above chabge

• Early on the morning of May 17, McClernand's troops advanced through Edwards, and then encountered the Confederate line.

::Drop the comma after Edwards or add they after then

• The Illinoisans encountered the Confederate lines,[51] and then took up position in the woods facing the north end of the Confederate line.

::*Add "they" atter and

::*took up "a" position

• Benton's men took up a position in the fields east of the woods to on the Union right, and Brigadier General Michael Kelly Lawler's brigade formed south of the road.[52]

::is it "to" or "on'

• This movement worried Carr, who shifted Lawler to Benton's right, while Brigadier General Peter J. Osterhaus's division deployed to the south.

::Drop the comma after Carr

• Two cannons positioned themselves in a small clearing between the right of the woods and the Big Black River, with the 22nd Iowa Infantry Regiment in support.

::*Two cannons positioned themselves -> how can this be?

::*"and" with the

• This position allowed Lawler to enfilade the Confederate position east of the bayou, as well as part of the primary defensive works.[60][61]

::Instead of enfilade, how about the ordinary words of a dictionary: direct a volley of gunfire along the length of a target, or something similar?

• The two regiments sent from Garrard's brigade to the right took the position previously occupired by the 22nd Iowa, who [and they] also moved in[on]to the meander.

::Consider the above changes

::*occupired -> sp

• Colonel William Kinsman, the commander of the 23rd Iowa, proposed to Lawler that his regiment should attack the Confederates[;] , [Kinsman] reasoning [was] that the Confederates would only have time to fire one volley before the Union soliders reached the defenses[,] and that the Confederates might not put up a stiff fight after the Champion Hill defeat.

::*Consider the above changes, but since this sentence is over 50 words you might want to split it?

::*soliders -> sp

• Lawler ordered a charge by his whole brigade[;] , with the 21st and 23rd Iowa in the front rank while the other two regiments charged behind.

::Consider the above changes

• The 49th and 69th Indiana joined the attack[;] ,[67] while Lawler's men advanced at an angle across Green's front, [and] striking one of Vaughn's regiments, the 61st Tennessee Infantry Regiment.[68]

::Consider the above changes

• Lawler's men stopped to fire once they reached the abatis[;] , and the Tennesseans [were] routed, and the defenders either ran away or surrendered.[68]

::Consider the above changes

• He then formed a new line west of the river , [by] using the brigades of Brigadier Generals Stephen D. Lee and William E. Baldwin, who had arrived from Bovina, Mississippi, and part of Landis's Missouri Battery [that] , which had been positioned on the west bank before the battle.
• Two other Confederate steamboats, Charm and Paul Jones, who had been located downstream from the bridge, were also burned.[74]

::Consider the above changes for these two sentences

​

Aftermath and preservation

• Albert Lee's men spent the afternoon [add date and year] in low-intensity fighting across the river against [a] the Confederate force there, while Carr and Smith's men patrolled the field.[75]

::Comsider the above changes

• The Union reported the capture of 1,751 Confederates, as well as 18 cannon[s].[76]

::*Consider the above changes

::*It's reported above at 1,750?

• The Confederate artillery losses [came about because] were due to the horse[-drawn] teams for the cannons [had been erroneously] being moved across the river before the battle for unclear reasons.

::Consider the above changes

• Green reported having suffered 485 casualties, while two of Vaughn's regiments combined for 546 losses.

::Consider the above changes

• Most of these casualties were in prisoners or [those] missing in action.

::Consider the above changes

The 4th Mississippi, one of Vaughn's regiments, and Cockrell's brigade did not report losses, but [they were] are known to have suffered heavily in men captured.[79]

::Consider the above changes

• Pemberton ordered several outlying positions withdrawn into the main lines and the Vicksburg defenses were also physically improved.

::Consider the above changes

• There was much outrage against Pemberton within the Confederate army due to the events of the past several days.[85]

::What events?

• Loring had noticed light from fires in Union-occupied Edwards on the morning of May 17, and with the way blocked [he] , instead marched his men to Jackson , joining [where they joined] forces with Johnston on May 19.

::Consider the above changes

• Sherman sent a cavalry regiment towards Snyder's Bluff, where the Confederate fortifications were found to have been abandoned; [while] Grant's army had regained a connection to the Union Navy elements [on] in the Yazoo River.[87]

::Consider the above changes

• Aftermath

::A close reading of the content of the aftermath part of the above section suggests that much of it might not fall within the ordinary meaning of aftermath.

:::*See Section headings and Article titles of the MOS - Wikipedia:Manual of Style

:::*The new Oxford American Dictionary defines the meaning of aftermath as "the consequences or aftereffects of a significant unpleasant event, and it further defines aftereffects as "an effect that follows after the primary action of something.

:::::What do you think?

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Post Aftermath

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The new Oxford American Dictionary defines the meaning of aftermath as "the consequences or aftereffects of a significant unpleasant event, and it further defines aftereffects as "an effect that follows after the primary action of something.

What do you think?

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Pendright - I'll see what @WP:MILHIST coordinators: have to say. I've used the "Aftermath" heading in a number of other GA/FA articles about battles before, so I'd like additional opinions as this change would affect a number of articles. Hog Farm Talk 22:35, 10 March 2024 (UTC)[reply]

@Hog Farm: Unfortunately, there seems to be problems between what I said and your understanding of it. The issue I raise is not at all about the use of the Aftermath heading, it's about some of the content contained within the Aftermath part of the section that seems more relevant to the Battle section.

So chew on this for a bit and then you decide whether or not any changes seem necessary.Pendright (talk) 21:42, 11 March 2024 (UTC)[reply]

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It's one of the suggested heading names in articles on battles at Wikipedia:WikiProject Military history/Content guide#Battles, and is widely used. It seems to be in line with the Oxford dictionary definition noted above. Nick-D (talk) 22:55, 10 March 2024 (UTC)[reply]

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I agree with Nick-D. It is in the manual of style, provides context and almost all of the events have further developments in a war or at its end. I am not going to go back and look but it would be safe to assume that all 99 military history articles that I have written would need to be changed, and the end would usually be left dangling with the question, so where do I look to see what happened next if the dictionary definition were to be strictly and narrowly interpreted and used to cut off these sections. The manual of style, along with common and accepted practice for military history articles, provide a sufficient basis for continuing to use these sections in military history articles. Donner60 (talk) 23:20, 10 March 2024 (UTC)[reply]

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{Pinhg|Hog Farm} {Ping|Nick-D} {PiNg|Donner60} This aftermath thing seems to have gotten out of hand, so let's bring some perspective to it by reviewing the facts. Initially, I stated that - A close reading of the content of the Aftermath part of the above section suggests that much of it might not fall within the ordinary meaning of aftermath. I followed up by asking - What do you think? Your response to this was - "I'll see what @WP:MILHIST coordinators have to say. They had plenty to say, however, it seemed as though they were responding to something other than the question I put to you. In our most recent exchange, I stated - Chew on this for a bit [the Aftermath content] and then you decide whether any changes seem necessary. To which you replied - Oh, okay - I've moved the first paragraph about the casualties and battlefield cleanup out of the aftermath section - does this resolve the issue? There was no issue to resolve - my comment merely asked you to decide whether changes to the content were necessary. You opted for change, so consider the matter closed.

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Insert

– — ° ′ ″ ≈ ≠ ≤ ≥ ± − × ÷ ← → · § Sign your posts on talk pages: Pendright (talk) 03:16, 27 May 2025 (UTC) Cite your sources:

netian lagoon with major rivers, canals, and fortifications

Venice as depicted in the Kitab-ı Bahriye

Piri Reis sailed under his uncle and later Hayreddin Barbarossa in the

Action at Sihayo's Kraal

Lead

• En route to the kraal the British force found a small party of Zulus in a horseshoe-shaped gorge.

::In British English, a comma is generally used after an introductory phrase when it is larger than four words. In which case, add a comma after Karaal - if B/E treats En route as two words.

Background

• Apart from the valuable naval base at the Cape of Good Hope they had previously shown little interest in the region but this changed with the discovery of valuable mineral deposits.

::Add a comma after Cape 0f Good hope - Intro. phrase

• Frere also demanded wholesale changes to the Zulu system of government including limits on the use of the death penalty, the requirement for judicial trials, supervision by a British official, admission of Christian missionaries and the abolition of the Zulu social/army system and the associated restrictions on marriage.[10]

::Add a comma after government, drop the add after missionaries & add a comma

Advance

• Glyn's command was a mixed force of men from his regiment; auxiliary troops of the 3rd Regiment Natal Native Contingent (NNC), commanded by Major Wilsone Black;[nb 2] and some irregular mounted infantry, commanded by Lieutenant-Colonel John Cecil Russell.[4] ::

::Suggest: Glyn's command consisted of a mixed force: men from his own regiment, auxiliary troops of the 3rd Regiment Natal Native Contingent (NNC), under Major Wilsone Black, and irregular mounted infantry led by Lieutenant-Colonel John Cecil Russell.

:::*The word consist6ed is a stronger verb than the auxiliary verb of was

:::*A colon is gene5ally used to introduce an explanation(s)

:::*A semicolon is not used to separate two clauases when joined by a coordinating conjunction like and

• Gyn was in formal command but Chelmsford was prone to interfere in tactical matters and helped direct the movement of the column.

::Add a comma after command

• This practice led to uncertainty over the division of responsibility in the column, not helped by a personal rift between Glyn's chief of staff Major Francis Clery and Chelmsford's, Lieutenant-Colonel John North Crealock.[7]

The British troops proceeded north-east from the camp keeping to a track on the west side of the Bashee River.[23] After around 8 km (5.0 mi) a quantity of cattle and other livestock were observed on the far side with a number of Zulus to the hills above them. Chelmsford ordered the force to cross the river and prepare for action.[23][20] Whilst Glyn and Chelmsford consulted on their battle plan, the Zulus taunted the British, shouting "Why are you waiting there? Are you looking to build kraals? Why don't you come on up?"[4]

Action

The Zulu defenders, from Sihayo's Qungebe people, were commanded by Mkumbikazulu kaSihayo, one of Sihayo's sons who had been involved in the Natal raid.[24][25] They held a horseshoe-shaped gorge on a steep hillside, part of Ngedla Hill. The open end of the gorge faced towards the Bashee River and the base of the cliffs were covered with boulders and scrub. Sihayo's kraal lay further to the north on a more gently sloping part of the Ngedla.[7]

Chelmsford and Glyn determined to clear the Zulu from the gorge before proceeding to the kraal to burn it.[26] Chelmsford ordered Russell's mounted infantry to move to the south where the slope was climbable and to sweep around behind the Zulus on the heights to threaten them and cut off any re

The British troops proceeded north-east from the camp keeping to a track on the west side of the Bashee River.[23] After around 8 km (5.0 mi) a quantity of cattle and other livestock were observed on the far side with a number of Zulus to the hills above them. Chelmsford ordered the force to cross the river and prepare for action.[23][20] Whilst Glyn and Chelmsford consulted on their battle plan, the Zulus taunted the British, shouting "Why are you waiting there? Are you looking to build kraals? Why don't you come on up?"[4]

Action

Roon-class cruiser FAC/5/6/25

Lead'

• The two ships of the class, Roon and Yorck, closely resembled the earlier Prinz Adalbert-class cruisers upon which they were based.

::The Roon & Yorck are punctuated as an appositive, indicating that they are non-essential to the meaning of the sentence. Since readers already know that there are two ships in the class,

::it would seem appropriate that R & Y would be the topic of the sentence.

• The ships were easily distinguished from their predecessors by the addition of a fourth funnel.

::distinguished should be distinguishable from

Design

• These failures were primarily the result of their length-to-breadth ratios, which was the result of limitations imposed by the dock facilities in Wilhelmshaven.

::Could one result be substituted with amother word?

General characteristics

• Like the preceding Prinz Adalbert-class ships, Roon and Yorck were good sea boats; when the fuel bunkers were full they had a gentle motion.

::*Punctuation is unneeded before when if what follows is essential to the meamig of the sentence.

::*It would have taken more than weight to experience gentle motion-the rate of speed and sea & weather conditions would have been determining factors, which are noticably absent fron the sentence.

• While serving as a squadron flagship the crew was augmented by 13 officers and 62 men, and as a second command ship by 9 officers and 44 sailors

::Add a comma after squadron flagship -> It's an introductory phrase

• Steam was provided to the engines by sixteen coal-fired water-tube boilers built by Düsseldorf-Ratinger Röhrenkesselfabrik (Dürr).

::*The steam was transferred to the engines from... -> provided means to supply or make something available: transfereed means to move something from one place to another

::*Actually, in the scheme of things, steam was first generated{{endash}}a process{{endash}}by the sixteen coal-fired water-tube boilers and then it was transferred{{endash}}through pipes and valves{{endash}}to the engines...

• The ships had four turbo generators, which provided 260 kilowatts at 110 volts.[12]

::Could you show readers some of the things that the generators were used for?

World War I

• Following the outbreak of World War I in July 1914, both cruisers were mobilized and assigned to III Scouting Group in August, which was initially assigned to the High Seas Fleet in the North Sea; Roon served as the group flagship

::what is which referring to?

• During that action, a group of Russian cruisers attacked several German vessels on a minelaying operation and Roon sortied to reinforce the German ships.

::During this action...

• But higher priority projects at the shipyard delayed that was to carry out the work delayed the conversion,[30] and the war ended before the project could be carried out.

::Clunky!

This is it for now -

Advanced Tactical]] Fighter]] ACR- 4/3/25

The length of this article is such that I'll be viewing it in increments{{emdash}}the first of cwhich follows.

Lead

• Advanced Tactical Fighter (ATF) was a program undertaken by the United States Air Force to develop a next-generation air superiority fighter to replace the F-15 Eagle.

::Giving words there ordinary meaning, this reads more like a project than a program; I suspect program is military nomenclature? The Info-box refers to ATF as a project - could be confusing for some readers.

• The new fighter was intended to counter emerging worldwide threats in the 1980s, including Soviet Sukhoi Su-27 and Mikoyan MiG-29 fighters under development, Beriev A-50 airborne warning and control systems (AWACS), and increasingly sophisticated surface-to-air missile systems.

::The proposed fighter was intended to...

• The U.S. Navy considered using a naval version of the ATF (called NATF) as a replacement for the F-14 Tomcat, but these plans were later canceled due to costs.

::As you know, the lead section is an introduction to an article and a summary of its most important contents. The above information does not seem to meet either of these standards.

Program history

• In 1981, USAF began forming requirements for the ATF, eventually codenamed "Senior Sky"

::In 1981, the USAF

• It was envisioned that the ATF would incorporate emerging technologies including advanced alloys and composite material, advanced avionics and fly-by-wire flight control systems, higher power propulsion systems, and low-observable, or stealth technology.

::Change including to include if what follows technologies is essential to the meaning of the sentence. If it is non-essential or additional information then add a common after technologies.

• After discussions with Tactical Air Command (TAC), the CDT/SPO determined that the ATF should focus on air-to-air missions; the air-to-surface missions would be handled by the upgraded F-111, the upcoming Dual-Role Fighter (DRF) (which would result in the F-15E Strike Eagle) as well as the then-classified F-117 Nighthawk ("Senior Trend"), while the air-to-air threat from the new Soviet fighters and AWACS remained.

::This is about a 70 word sentence - suggest breaking it up. Wikipedia emphasizes clarity and conciseness in all articles. While there is no strict limit of word count per sentence, editors are encouraged to write in a way that is easily understood by a broad audience.

• The ATF would thus be a new air superiority fighter in the vein of the SCM concept with outstanding aerodynamic performance, and intended to replace the capability of the F-15 Eagle; in the potential scenario of a Soviet and Warsaw Pact invasion in Central Europe, the ATF was envisaged to launch from bases in central England and support the air-land battle by performing offensive and defensive counter-air missions against the Soviet air-to-air threats that would then allow the DRF and other strike aircraft to perform air interdiction against ground targets.

::About a 90 word sentence -> same as above

• The General Electric and Pratt & Whitney each received $202 million contracts (~$519 million in 2023) for the development and production of prototype engines in September 1983; Allison chose to not submit a bid due to technical problems with their advanced development demonstrators.[19][20]

::I'd drop the definite article before General Electric

• Avionics were also expected to be a major component of the ATF in light of rapidly advancing semiconductor technology; requests for advanced avionics components such as the integrated electronic warfare system were sent out that November.[21]

::expected needs context

• As a result of stealth technology, the design details became "black" even though the ATF was a publicly acknowledged program.

::"black" - meaning could be unclear to some readers

• By late 1984, the SPO had settled on the ATF requirements and released the Statement of Operational Need (SON), which called for a fighter with a takeoff gross weight of 50,000 pounds (23,000 kg), a mission radius of 500 nautical miles (580 mi; 930 km) mixed subsonic/supersonic or 700–800 nautical miles (806–921 mi; 1,300–1,480 km) subsonic, supercruise speed of Mach 1.4–1.5, the ability to use a 2,000-foot (600 m) runway, and signature reduction particularly in the frontal sections.

::*Around 80 words - same as above

::*Does supercriiose need a hyphen

More to follow -

• Dem/Val'

Requests for proposals

• A request for proposals (RFP) for demonstration and validation (Dem/Val) was issued in September 1985, with proposals initially to be due that December.[23]

::First clause: Reads like only one RFP was issued:

::A request for proposals (RFP)...was ::issued?

• At this time, the SPO had anticipated procuring 750 ATFs at a unit cost of $35 million in fiscal year (FY) 1985 dollars (~$84.2 million in 2023) with final design selection in 1989 and service entry in 1995 with a peak production rate of 72 aircraft per year, although even at this point the peak rate was being questioned and the entry date was at risk of slipping to the late 1990s due to potential RFP adjustments and budget constraints.[27]

::About 80 words - same as above

• Shortly afterwards, the Navy under Congressional pressure joined the ATF program initially as an observer to examine the possibility using a navalised derivative, named the Navy Advanced Tactical Fighter (NATF), to replace the F-14 Tomcat; the Navy would eventually announced in 1988 that they would procure 546 aircraft under the NATF program at a peak rate of 48 per year.[28][29]

::*possibility of using

::*navalised or navalized refers to the process of adapting an aircraft for naval use - specifically for operation from an aircraft carrier. This or something like it would make a reader friendly note.

• The ATF SPO was pressured to followed the recommendations of the Packard Commission, and in May 1986, the RFP was changed so that final selection would involve flying prototypes.[29]

::*Change followed to follow

::*Should selection be plural?

• While Lockheed also had extensive prior stealth experience, their actual aircraft design was quite immature and only existed as a rough concept that would be extensively redesigned; instead, Lockheed primarily focused on systems engineering and trade studies in its proposal, which pulled it ahead of Northrop's to take top rank.[29][24]

::*would have to be extensively redesigned

::*Change rank to ranking

• The two teams, Lockheed/Boeing/General Dynamics and Northrop/McDonnell Douglas, were awarded $691 million firm fixed-price contracts in FY 1985 dollars (~$1.66 billion in 2023) and would undertake a 50-month Dem/Val phase, culminating in the flight test of two technology demonstrator prototypes, the YF-22 and the YF-23; Pratt & Whitney and General Electric would also receive $341 million (~$820 million in 2023) each for the development and prototyping of the competing engines (designated YF119 and YF120 respectively), and the JAFE propulsion effort would later be renamed ATF Engine (ATFE) and directly managed by the ATF SPO.

::About a 100 word sentence - same as above

::Wikipedia:Make technical articles understandable

More to follow -

Dem/Val

• In addition to the government contract awards, company investments during Dem/Val would amount to $675 million and $650 million (~$1.5 billion and ~$1.45 billion in 2023) for the Lockheed and Northrop teams respectively, not counting additional investments during prior phases or by subcontractors; Pratt & Whitney and General Electric would each invest $100 million as well (~$222 million in 2023).

::About a 60 word sentence - same as above

• This enabled the SPO to adjust ATF requirements and delete ones that were significant weight and cost drivers while having marginal operational value.

::*Change ones to those

• Aside from advances in air vehicle and propulsion technology, the ATF would make a leap in avionics performance with a fully integrated avionics suite that fuses sensor information together into a common tactical picture, thus improving the pilot's situational awareness and reducing workload; the avionics were expected to make up about 40% of the ATF's flyaway cost.

::leap into avionics

Selection

• Following a review of the flight test results and proposals, the Secretary of the Air Force Donald Rice announced the Lockheed team and Pratt & Whitney as the competition winner for full-scale development, or Engineering and Manufacturing Development (EMD), on 23 April 1991; by this time, the 1990 Major Aircraft Review by Defense Secretary Dick Cheney had reduced the planned total ATF buy to 650 aircraft and peak production rate to 48 per year.[60]

::*A 60-plus word sentence - same as above

::*Bracket Donald Rice with commas - it's an appositive and not essential to the meaning of the sentence

::*by the Secretary of Defense, Dick Cheney, -> same as above

• The selection decision has been speculated by aviation observers to have involved industrial factors and perception of program management as much as the technical merit of the aircraft designs.

::"has been" in a sentence signifies the present perfect tense, indicating an action that started in the past and continues or has a relevant effect in the present. -> Is this the case?

• While the YF-23 air vehicle was in a higher state of maturity and refinement compared to the YF-22 due to the latter's late redesign and partly as a result had better flight performance, the Lockheed team executed a more aggressive flight test plan with considerably higher number of sorties and hours flown; furthermore, Lockheed chose to execute high-visibility tests such as firing missiles and high angle-of-attack maneuvers that, while not required, improved its perception by the USAF in managing weapons systems risk.[70]

::The sentence contains 80-odd words - same as above

Notes

• Note 3 does not seem to be supported by a citation?

This it for now -

Zeng Laishun - FAR/3/22/25

Lead

• He was among the first Chinese students to study at an overseas college.[1]

::See the following section

Education in the United States

• According to historian Edward J. M. Rhoads, Zeng was the first Chinese person to attend college in the United States,[8][b] and possibly the first at any overseas college.

::*By definition, the term Chinese person generally refers to a person from China who is a citizen or resident of China. Wasn't Zeng a person of Chinese-Malay ancestry who had ancestry originating from China but lived elsewhere?

::*possibly Can suggest uncertainty, skepticism, and could trigger doubt about the validity of what is being said.

::*overseas -> Needs context?

• He instead traveled to China with Williams and Williams' wife, departing from New York City in late May 1848.[10]

::*instead is a word of transition -> suggest starting the sentence with it. Transition (linguistics)

::*Could one Williams be substitu6ted?

Career

• She was described by an 1850 report as of "Indo-Chinese" heritage.

::Might be worthy of linking -> Indo-Chinese

Chinse Educational Mission

• In addition to his knowledge of English, Zeng had become familiar with a range of Chinese dialects and languages across the coast of south China, and could translate for students with mutually unintelligible forms of Chinese;[20] the students were recruited mainly from Cantonese-speaking families, with a smaller contingent of Shanghainese speakers.[22]

::This sentence contains over 50 words -> Suggest breaking it up.

Return to the4 United States

• In August 1872, Zeng departed from Shanghai [for the United States] aboard the Pacific Mail steamer Costa Rica along with his family, Chen, and the first party of 30 students – which included his son Spencer.

::[Add the above]

• They arrived in San Francisco in late September and met with dignitaries including Mayor William Alvord.

::Do we need a comma after dignitaries?

• After five days in the city, lodging at the Occidental Hotel, they departed east on the transcontinental railroad, reaching Springfield, Massachusetts, eight days later and reuniting with Yung.

::reuniting describes the act of coming together,  and

::reunited describes the state of being together again.

• While Chen and Yung relocated to Hartford, Connecticut, after the students departed, Zeng decided to stay in Springfield for unclear reasons; the mission may have wanted a staff member in Springfield to greet later student cohorts.

::Who gets credit for the last clause?

• Despite widespread xenophobic attitudes towards Chinese people in the United States, Zeng reported little racist harassment towards him and his family.

::Could one towards be substituted?

• He frequently visited North Adams, Massachusetts, with his sons, where he may have met with the community of Chinese workers at the Sampson Shoe Factory.

::"may have" is used to make educated guesses or speculate about past events?

Cuba

• They faced extremely poor conditions which grew increasingly dire by the 1870s.[32]

::*Change which to that

::*Can you show some of these conditions?

Personal life

• During the late 1860s, Zeng's eldest children, Annie and Lena, were able to spend a year studying in England thanks to a grant from Thomas Hanbury, his former employer.[19]

::Do we need a punctuation mark after England?

This is it for now -

Grace Coolidge

Lead

• Grace Anna Coolidge (née Goodhue; January 3, 1879 – July 8, 1957) was the first lady of the United States from 1923 to 1929 as the wife of the 30th president of the United States, Calvin Coolidge.

::What is your sense about using his birth or given name{{endash}}John Calvin Coolidge Jr.{{endash}}at first mention and then CC?

• She met Calvin Coolidge in Northampton before marrying him in 1905, and they had two sons together.

::The use of the word before is troubling to me since it means "during the period of time preceding a particular event or time".

• They moved to Washington, D.C. when Calvin was elected vice president in 1921, and into the White House after the death of Warren G. Harding ascended Calvin to the presidency in 1923.

::A comma is generally used after D.C.,?

• She felt restricted by the role of first lady; she believed that it took priority over her own interests, and she was subject to many rules imposed on her by her husband to avoid controversy.

::The sentence repeats the pronoun she three times - suggest substituting Grace for at least one of then.

• In the final year of her tenure, Grace was afflicted with kidney disease which left her temporarily debilitated.

::Change which to that if what follows is essential to the meaning of the sentence, if not, then add a comma before which to indicate the information that follows is supplement information.

• The Coolidges returned to Northampton in 1929, where Grace began writing poetry and autobiographical essays.

::Coolidge's

Early Life

• Grace was close to her mother as a child, following her where she went and taking up the same household chores like sewing.

::Change where to wherever -> where indicate one location or place, while wherever indicates any location or place

Despite her family's reservations about Joyner, the two had an informal agreement that they would wed.[17] Although the prevailing opinion at the time that rotundness was an attractive trait, Grace was insecure about her weight and restricted her diet.[6]

Noticing a lonely-looking woman on the University of Vermont campus, Grace befriended Ivah Gale.[2] Gale eventually moved into the Goodhue home where she shared a bedroom with Grace, and they were among those who co-founded the university's chapter of Pi Beta Phi, a women's fraternity.[12] The group held its meetings in Grace's home.[2] In 1901, Grace traveled to Syracuse, New York, to attend the fraternity's national convention.[9] She graduated from the University of Vermont in 1902.[18]

Once Grace graduated from university, she decided to teach at Clarke School for the Deaf. She wrote to the school's principal, June Yale's aunt Caroline Yale, about training as an instructor for the deaf. Grace moved to Northampton where she taught at the school for three years, first instructing the primary school children before working with middle school students. Her mother opposed the decision, wishing that Grace would be a teacher at a local school.[12][8] The school's policy was to teach lip reading rather than sign language, which Grace agreed was beneficial for the students.[19][9]

Marriage an

Scott Carpenter -FAR - 3/8/25

Lead

• Malcolm Scott Carpenter (May 1, 1925 – October 10, 2013) was an American naval officer and aviator, test pilot, aeronautical engineer, astronaut and aquanaut.

::Add a comma after astronaut - serial comma needed with a list of three or more

• Carpenter was the second American (after John Glenn) to orbit the Earth and the fourth American in space, after Alan Shepard, Gus Grissom and John Glenn. rie

::Add a comma after Grissom - same as above

• He retired from NASA in 1967 and from the Navy, with the rank of commander, in 1969

::Suggest -> and retired from the Navy in 1969, with

Early life

• In the summer of 1927, Carpenter's mother, who was ill with tuberculosis, returned to Boulder, taking him with her. (In those days, mountain air was believed to aid recovery).

::No comma is needed after Boulder

• He was educated at University Hill Elementary School in Boulder,[5] and Boulder High School, where he played the clarinet, was a cheerleader, and served on the editorial board of the student newspaper.[6]

::The comma after Boulder is unneeded

Naval service

• Like many people in Boulder, Carpenter was deeply affected by the attack on Pearl Harbor, which brought the United States into World War II, and he resolved to become a naval aviator.[8]

::On December 7, 1941, Carpenter was 16 years old: referring to him as simply people seems rather broad.

• On February 12, 1943, he enlisted at the U.S. Navy's recruiting office at Lowry Field near Denver.

::enlisted: Acceptance into the Navy's V-12 and V-5 and similar programs involved a process of application and selection, rather than enlistment.  

• The Navy had recruited plenty of potential aviators in the pipeline at this time, so to retain young men like Carpenter in the Navy, the V-12 Navy College Training Program was created, whereby cadets attended college until training positions became available.

::*Introducing the V-12 program at the start of the sentence might be the better sequence.

Mercury Seven

• From these, 110 were found that matched the minimum standards:[33] the candidates had to be younger than 40, possess a bachelor's degree or equivalent and to be 5 feet 11 inches (1.80 m) or less.

::Suggest replacing that matched with to match

::or drop were found that

• The number of candidates was then reduced to 32, which seemed a more than adequate number from which to select 12 astronauts.

::Last clause -> should someone be credited with this conclusion?

• Hornet's skipper, Captain Marshall W. White, refused to release Carpenter until the Chief of Naval Operations, Admiral Arleigh Burke called him.[40]

::How about some transitional information to bridge

::these two sentences?

• The magnitude of the challenge ahead of them was made clear a few weeks later, on the night of May 18, 1959, when the seven astronauts gathered at Cape Canaveral to watch their first rocket launch, of an SM-65D Atlas, which was similar to the one that was to carry them into orbit.

::that was to-> that would carry them

Mercury-Atlas 7

• The thrusters had a set sequence of ignition, and that sequence was delayed by Carpenter manually firing them.

::this sequence

• In a 2001 letter to The New York Times in response a review of to Kraft's memoir, Capenter wrote:...

::*take the second to & add it after response

::Capenter -> spelling

More to follow:

Begin with Ocean research

Ocean research

• He resigned from NASA on 3 August 1967, and joined the Navy's Deep Submergence Systems Project based ::Change in date format?

This is it -

Roon-class cruiser ACR - 2/27/25

Since HF has yet to post his review, I'll take the liberty of posting mine.

Info box

• Wouldn't the 3 × triple-expansion steam engines be better placed under Installed Power?

Lead

• In November, the German fleet made the raid on Great Yarmouth, but on return to port at Wilhelmshaven, the fleet encountered heavy fog and had to stop off Schillig.

::The comma after Wilhelmshaven is unneeded because it's one continuous action{{emdash}}they returned and encountered fog.

General characteristics and machinery

• Like the preceding Prinz Adalbert-class ships, Roon and Yorck were good sea boats; when the fuel bunkers were full they had a gentle motion.

::they had a gentle motion -> Under what conditions?

• With the rudder hard over [(to its maximum extent)], the ships lost up to 60 percent speed.

::Consider adding the above explanation

• Each boiler had 4 fireboxes apiece for a total of....

::apiece seems redundant

Armament and armor

• The ships' primary armament consisted of four 21-centimeter (8.3 in) SK L/40 guns mounted in two twin-gun turrets, one fore and one aft.[a]

::mounted on

• For close-range defense against torpedo boats, the ships carried a tertiary battery of fourteen 8.8 cm SK L/35 guns, which were mounted in individual casemates and pivot mounts in the superstructure.

::mounted on

Service history

• Both vessels made long-distance cruises in the Atlantic in the late 1900s in company with I Scouting Group or the entire High Seas Fleet.

::Could you show readers an example or two of such cruises?

World War I

• Roon continued to operate with the main fleet, taking part in the raid on Scarborough, Hartlepool and Whitby in December.[18][20]

::Add a comma after Hartlepool

• This was followed by several sweeps into the central Baltic in May and June to try to catch Russian vessels, which culminated in the Battle of the Åland Islands in early July; a group of Russian cruisers attacked several German vessels on a minelaying operation and Roon sortied to reinforce the German ships.

::*This sentence has over 50 words - suggest breaking it into two sentences.

• Design work commenced in 1916 to convert the ship into a seaplane tender; work was planned to last from 1917 to 1918 during a period of 20 months. [Instead] The ship was stricken from the naval register on 25 November 1920 and scrapped the following year at Kiel-Nordmole.[27]

::Add a transition word or phrase between these two sent6ences-> Transition (linguistics)

This is it -

Gray Stenborg - AC - 2/25/25

Lead

• He is credited with having shot down fifteen aircraft.

::Suggest: fifteen enemy aircraft

• He was killed on 24 September 1943 during a mission escorting bombers to France.

::In this context, suggest Substituting Stenborg for He

United Kingdom

• On arrival in the United Kingdom in September Stenborg went to No. 58 Operational Training Unit (OTU) at Grangemouth, for familiarisation on the Supermarine Spitfire fighter.

::Add a comma after September -> Seems like an introductory phrase

• Like his previous unit, the squadron was engaged in the Circus offensive with its Spitfires, flying from Debden.[7]

::Why the comma after Spitfires?

Malta

• n early June 1942, Stenborg, now a pilot officer, was sent to Malta, sailing aboard the aircraft carrier HMS Eagle as a reinforcement for the squadrons operating from the island, besieged by the Luftwaffe and Regia Aeronautica (Royal Italian Air Force).

::Consider which or that was besieged

• One of four pilots from the squadron scrambled in the evening of 15 June to deal with a bombing raid on a convoy off Malta, he damaged two Junkers Ju 88 medium bombers and destroyed an escorting Messerschmitt Bf 109 fighter.[8

::*who scrambled

::*where he damaged

Service with No. 91 Squadron

• Having flown 34 operational flights for No. 185 Squadron, Stenborg returned to England in late August and spent a period of time on instructing duties at No. 58 OTU.

::August 1942?

• This was based at Hawkinge and was equipped with Mk XII Spitfires, flying on offensive sorties to German-occupied Europe and escorting bombers.[20]

::It was?

• Stenborg had flown 120 operational flights for No. 91 Squadron, and 188 sorties altogether, by the time of his death.
• Consider this version: By the time of his death, Stenborg had flown 120 operational flights for No. 91 Squadron and 188 sorties altogether.

This it for now.

warships.

Did twin screw propeller ships operate with on e

The propulsion system of a screw steamer consisted of a steam engine that turned a propeller, also known as a screw, to propel the vessel through the water.

"Steamships and Motorships" by G.E. Manning: A comprehensive guide covering the evolution of marine propulsion, including detailed sections on screw propellers, steam engines, and related technologies.

"The Screw Propeller: An Historical Sketch" by Robert Winfield: This book delves into the history of screw propeller development, tracing its origins and the contributions of key inventors.

"Marine Propellers" by John Bickford: A technical manual focusing on the design, hydrodynamics, and performance of screw propellers, including considerations for steam-powered vessels.

Websites:

Wikipedia: Screw steamer: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Screw_steamer

Shipping Wonders of the World: Development of the Screw Propeller: https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/1860/03/screw-propulsion-its-rise-and-progress/627678/

U.S. Naval Institute: The Early History Of The Screw Propeller: https://www.usni.org/magazines/proceedings/1931/april/early-history-screw-propeller

Museums:

• Have you had any luck with your sources on whether the ship had a single-engine or multiple-engines?

Did the USS Varuna (1861) have one steam engine or multiple steam engines?

The USS Varuna (1861) had one steam engine, powering a single screw propeller.

Here's why this is important:

Screw propeller: This technology was relatively new at the time, and offered advantages in speed and maneuverability compared to paddle wheel steamers.

Single engine: Most ships of this size and period, especially those intended for merchant service, utilized a single engine for propulsion.

Here are some resources that confirm this information:

Wikipedia: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/USS_Varuna_%281861%29

Naval History and Heritage Command: https://military-history.fandom.com/wiki/USS_Varuna_%281861%29

ConnecticutHistory.org: https://connecticuthistory.org/connecticuts-naval-contributions-to-the-civil-war/

It's important to note that the USS Varuna was originally intended for merchant service but was purchased by the Union Navy during the Civil War and converted into a gunboat. 1  

1.

Varuna I (ScGbt) - Naval History and Heritage Command

www.history.navy.mil

::FYI: Most available literature on the subject seems to say that while some early steamships with a single propeller might have experimented with multiple steam-engines, it was not the typical configuration in the 1850s and 1860s.

of your sources will confirm this well established fact too. Suggest the following:

::::Varnua was a steamship that was powered by a steam-engine and propelled by a single screw, or driven by a single propeller.

• Info box{{endash}}General characteristics:

:: add Power{{endash}}above Propulsion{{endash}}& to the right add steam-engine

• Screw vs. propeller:

::I served aboard two US Navy destroyers and we called then screws. For those acquainted with steam propulsion systems, the preponderance of view is that they are one and the same.

of Aquanaut Operations for SEALAB III.

• Lead refers to the ship as a Screw steamer: A screw steamer or screw steamship (abbreviated "SS") is an old term for a steamship or steamboat powered by a steam engine, using one or more propellers (also known as screws) to propel it through the water. Such a ship was also known as an "iron screw steam ship".

• Steamship: A steamship, often referred to as a steamer, is a type of steam-powered vessel, typically ocean-faring and seaworthy, that is propelled by one or more steam engines[1] that typically move (turn) propellers or paddlewheels. The first steamships came into practical usage during the early 1

• Existing comment: She was a steamship[4] and was powered by a single screw propeller.

::Two of the links used in the article{{endash}}Screw steamer{{endash}} and {{endash}}Steamships{{endash}}do not agree with, "and was powered by a single screw propeller". I suspect your sources or source will not either.

:::*It's well established that steam-engines generate power

The comment is partly inaccurate -> a steam-engine-in this case-generated the power to propel the single screw propeller.

:::*The Info box should include Power

Something seems to have gone aray here.

USS Varuna (1861) - ACR - 1/26/25

Lead

• One of the vessels purchased was Varuna, who was still under construction when the sale occurred on 31 December 1861.

::The pronoun who is primarily used to refer to people

• During the action, Varuna ran ahead of the other Union ships, and was engaged in a chase with the Louisiana gunboat Governor Moore.

::*Add ensuing between the and action

::*Add she between and & was

Construction and characteristics

• When the American Civil War broke out in April 1861 the Union adopted the Anaconda Plan.

::Add a comma after 1861 - it's an introductory phrase

• Many of the existing active ships were too large to enter the ports that would need to be blockaded.

::Drop the second the - ports are not specific

• She was a steamship[4] and was powered by a single screw propeller.

::*The lead refers to Varnua as a "screw steamer"?

::*She was powered by a "steam-engine" and propelled by a single screw, or driven by a single propeller.

::Screw and propeller have the same meaning. Propellers

::*Info Box may need tweaking

Service History

• Encountering three Confederate gunboats, Varuna fired at them, and continued upriver.[15]

::Why the comma after them?

• Varuna was now the leading Union ship, and was spotted by the State of Louisiana gunboat Governor Moore.

::and it was spott6e

• The commander of Governor Moore ordered lights similar to those on Varuna displayed on his ship as a ruse.

::Is the first on necessary?

• The gunboat CSS Jackson briefly fired into the melee, but then continued upriver to New Orleans.

::but then it continue(d

• At this point, the two ships were about 10 feet (3.0 m) apart, but could barely see each other due to dense smoke.[18]

::but they could

• Governor Moore's deck,[18] but Governor Moore rammed Varuna, knocking out the Union ship's engines.

::engines or engine?

This is it -

SMS Belin - ACR - 1-21-25

Lead

• The design for the Bremen class was derived from the preceding Gazelle class, utilizing a larger hull that allowed for additional boilers that increased speed.

::that would increase speed or to increase speed

• Berlin served with the main fleet's scouting forces for the majority of her early career; during this period, she conducted unit and fleet training exercises, visits to foreign countries, and in 1908 and 1909, several long-distance training cruises into the central Atlantic.

::*during this period, -> usually means during a specified time period

::*Mix of tenses -> conducted (past), visits (present)

::*Drop the comma after 1909 and add the ship made

::*Atlantic Ocean

• She was used to support German coastal defense forces and to scout for the High Seas Fleet; on two different occasions, she had to tow her sister ship Danzig back to port after the latter struck naval mines, and she had to tow her sister München after that vessel was torpedoed by a submarine.

::*Substitute Berlin, the ship, or the cruiser for one or more of the three she(s)

::*after this vessel

• She thereafter served as a training ship for naval cadets, and over the course of the mid-1920s, embarked a series of long-distance training cruises.

::Drop the comma after 1920s and add Berlin embarked on a

• She was decommissioned in March 1929 and kept in reserve until 1935, when she was converted into a barracks ship, a role she filled through World War II.

::*the role since it is specific

::* Three she(s)-same as above

Design

• Her propulsion system consisted of two triple-expansion steam engines driving a pair of screw propellers.

::Boilers are an essential part of steam propulsion systems. -> include Berlin's boilers as part of its steam propulsion system.

• Steam was provided by ten coal-fired Marine-type water-tube boilers, which were vented through three funnels located amidships.

::*steam was generated

::* Drop comma [,] which and replace with that: -> comma which tells readers what follows is additional information while that tells them the information is essential to the meaning of the sentence.

• The ship was armed with a main battery of ten 10.5 cm (4.1 in) SK L/40 guns in single mounts.

::on single mounts?

• For defense against torpedo boats, she carried ten 3.7 cm (1.5 in) Maxim guns in individual mounts.

::on individual mounts?

Construction 1910

• The ships went to a series of sailing regattas over the course of the next few weeks; the first was in the Elbe river, followed by Kiel Week, and finally Travemünde Week.

::on the river?

Agadir Crisis

• She had to stop at Portsmouth, Britain, to coal and repair some of the storm damage.

::for coal and to repair -> for modifies nouns and to modifies verbs

• The rest of Berlin's crew took the ship to Wilhelmshaven, where she was decommissioned on 29 October and placed in reserve, where she remained through mid-1914.[11]

::a comma is not used before where when

Where introduces essential information

World War I

• The next day, the ships were transferred to the German Bight, where they supported the patrols guarding the German North Sea coast.[12]

::A comma is not used before where when

Where introduces essential information

• Berlin emerged from the shipyard on 8 June.[11][14

::Berlin left or departed the shipyard

Later career

• She was initially used as a training hulk for boiler room crews; she was moved to Kiel on 16 December 1919 for this role, which she filled for the next year and a half.

::The pronoun she is used three times in this sentence?

• She was reassigned on 1 October, and she began her furthest training cruise on 1 December.

::Change one she to a noun

• Berlin arrived back in Cuxhaven on 7 March 1929; from there, she was moved to Kiel, where she was decommissioned for the last time on 27 March.

::Drop the comma before where -> same as above

This is it -

.

Aineta aryballos FAC - 12/2/24

Lead

• The Aineta aryballos is an Ancient Greek aryballos, made between approximately 625 and 570 BCE in the city of Corinth in southern Greece .

::Close the space after Greece

• Approximately 6.35 centimetres (2.50 in) in both height and diameter, it was intended to contain perfumed oil or unguent, and is likely to have been owned by a high-class courtesan (hetaira) by the name of Aineta, who may be portrayed in a drawing on its handle.

::* portrayed in a drawing -> or portrayed in the drawing - seems specific enough

Description

• The vase body, the neck and the handle were made separately and joined using a lathe.[4]

::Add a comma after neck

• Rhousopoulos believed that the vase may have been a gift from her lovers to a high-class courtesan (hetaira) named Aineta, or perhaps deposited as a grave good in her tomb.[a]

::* lovers -> one of her lovers?

::* or perhaps it was deposited?

'Decoration and date

• However, he contrasted this with the decoration of the vase body, where, he judged, "we immediately find ourselves in unknown regions of Asia: magnificent, ... but strange and exotic".[11][b]

::Why the comma aftet where?

• In 1979, Fritz Lorber argued that Payne's date was too early: he discussed the vase among those of the Early Corinthian period (620/615–595/590 BCE),[17] and wrote that the letter-forms show features, such as the serpentine form of the letter iota, characteristic of sixth-century inscriptions.[12]

::and he wrote that the letter

Inscription

• The name Meneas (or Menneas) comes first in the list and is written slightly larger and more boldly than the others, and so seems to have been given particular prominence.[10]

::and so it seems to have been given particular prominence.[10]

Sale to the British Museum

• In 1865, Panagiotis Efstratiadis, the Ephor General in charge of the Greek Archaeological Service,[h] wrote in his diary of the size and richness of Rhousopoulos's antiquities collection, marking the first time that Rhousopoulos's activities had come to official attention.

::marking it the first time that Rhousopoulos's activities had come to official attention.

This is it -

Response

• Approximately 6.35 centimetres (2.50 in) in both height and diameter, it was intended to contain perfumed oil or unguent, and is likely to have been owned by a high-class courtesan (hetaira) by the name of Aineta, who may be portrayed in a drawing on its handle.

portrayed in a drawing -> or portrayed in the drawing - seems specific enough

"A" is better here: if we say the, we're begging the question, since we haven't introduced to the reader that there is a drawing. UndercoverClassicist T·C 07:25, 3 December 2024 (UTC)[rep

::<>Yes, but consider this: The body of the vase, its drawing, and its handle are a unit of one and are not severable.

• The vase body, the neck and the handle were made separately and joined using a lathe.[4]

Add a comma after neck

This article is written in British English, where serial commas are optional and generally discouraged when the items in the list are short (see MOS:COMMA). UndercoverClassicist T·C 07:25, 3 December 2024 (UTC)[rep

::<>I'm aware with the British point of view on the use of serial commads. As for the MOS though, it says, in a list of three or more items but its examples favor your point of view.

• Rhousopoulos believed that the vase may have been a gift from her lovers to a high-class courtesan (hetaira) named Aineta, or perhaps deposited as a grave good in her tomb.[a]

lovers -> one of her lovers?

or perhaps it was deposited?

:There were multiple lovers (at least nine, to be exact). I don't see the improvement offered by the second, or the problem it's trying to fix: could you explain a bit more? UndercoverClassicist T·C 07:25, 3 December 2024 (UTC)[reply]

'Decoration and date

<>The first clause, in part, says, Rhousopoulos believed that the vase may have been a gift from her lovers - literally, it says to me, that one gift was gifted by many, which is nether clear or concise - thus my comment.

<>The sentence has two clauses: the first clause is an indepemdemt one but the second one is a dependent clause. -> In British English, a comma is used to join an independent clause and a dependent clause when the dependent clause comes first in the sentence; if the independent clause comes first, a comma is not typically needed - my addition makes it a indepemdemt clause.

:However, he contrasted this with the decoration of the vase body, where, he judged, "we immediately find ourselves in unknown regions of Asia: magnificent, ... but strange and exotic".[11][b]

Why the comma aftet where?

"Where" modifies we immediately find..., not he judged..., so needs a comma to separate it. Compare "Peru is a country where, I believe, bears live in the jungle": I believe that wherever I am, not only in Peru. Compare "Home is a place where I believe I am safe": there, I believe I'm safe specifically when I'm at home. UndercoverClassicist T·C 07:25, 3 December 2024 (UTC)[reply]

<>In British English, a comma precedes the word "where" when it introduces a non-restrictive clause, meaning it provides additional information that isn't essential to the sentence's core meaning, and usually comes before the main clause in the sentence; essentially, if you can remove the "where" clause without significantly changing the sentence's meaning, a comma is needed before it.

• In 1979, Fritz Lorber argued that Payne's date was too early: he discussed the vase among those of the Early Corinthian period (620/615–595/590 BCE),[17] and wrote that the letter-forms show features, such as the serpentine form of the letter iota, characteristic of sixth-century inscriptions.[12]

and he wrote that the letter

Not needed; we have a perfectly good grammatical subject ("he") in the previous clause, and I don't see any ambiguity: there's no other person mentioned here that it could have been. UndercoverClassicist T·C 07:25, 3 December 2024 (UTC)[reply]

<>Correct, only if you drop the preceding comma{{emdash}} and wrote that the letter-forms show features can not stand on its own withou a subject noun or pronoun

The name Meneas (or Menneas) comes first in the list and is written slightly larger and more boldly than the others, and so seems to have been given particular prominence.[10]

and so it seems to have been given particular prominence.[10]

As with the Lorber comment, I don't see the problem or the improvement here. UndercoverClassicist T·C 07:25, 3 December 2024 (UTC)[reply]

Sale to the British Museum

In 1865, Panagiotis Efstratiadis, the Ephor General in charge of the Greek Archaeological Service,[h] wrote in his diary of the size and richness of Rhousopoulos's antiquities collection, marking the first time that Rhousopoulos's activities had come to official attention.

marking it the first time that Rhousopoulos's activities had come to official attention.

Tha

I trust you'll not dismiss my responses without first consulting the related rules that apply. Thank you.

I bow to your collective wisdom and support the nomination.

SPARS

• Changed per Oppose review

Farragut Naval Training Station

Ernest J. King

Lead

• This was replaced by COMINCH in December, 1941, under the Executive Order 8984, when it was redefined and given operational command over the Atlantic, Pacific, and Asiatic Fleets, as well as all naval coastal forces.[1]

::*December, 1941, -> MOS: For month and year, write June 1921, with no comma.

::*No comma is used before as well as if the phrase is used as in addition to or to make a simple comparison.

• He directed the United States Navy's operations, planning, and administration and was a member of the Joint Chiefs of Staff and Combined Chiefs of Staff and was the U.S. Navy's second-most senior officer in World War II after Fleet Admiral William D. Leahy, who served as Chief of Staff to the Commander in Chief.

::*The word and is repeated four times in this sentence?

::*Some of what appears in the latter part of the sentence would seen to fall more within the realm of detail than that of summary?

• King served in the Spanish–American War while still attending the United States Naval Academy, whence he graduated fourth in the class of 1901.

::When two independent clause are joined by a comma they also are preceded by a coordinating conjunction like and. -> Whence is not a coordinating conjunction, but it (or from where) is suitwble to bridge the two clauses without the help of a comma.

• He received his first command in 1914, of the destroyer USS Terry in the occupation of Veracruz.

::Another way to say it: He received his first command of the destroyer USS Terry in 1914 during the occupation of Veracruz. Or, His first command was the destroyer USS terry in 1914, which was during the occupation of Veracruz.

• He participated in the top-level Allied World War II conferences, and took the lead in formulating the strategy of the Pacific War.

::*An independent{{endash}}main{{endash}}clause and a dependent{{endash}}subordinte{{endash}} clause are not joined by a comma. -> Drop the comma or add a subject noun or pronoun to the dependent clause.

::*Drop the definite article before top-level -> conferences were not specific

Early life

• His father initially worked as a bridge builder, but moved to Lorain, where he worked in a railway repair shop.

::A comma before the word where is unnecessary when what follows is essential to the meaning of the sentence.

• The family moved to Uhrichsville, Ohio, when his father took a position with the Pennsylvania Railroad workshops, but returned to Lorain a year later.

::*Change when to where

::*Drop the comma after workshops or add a subject noun or pronoun

• When King was eleven years old, the family moved to Cleveland, where his father was a foreman at the Valley Railway workshops, and King was educated at the Fowler School.

::A comma after Cleveland is unnecessary

• He decided to go to work rather than high school, and took a position with a company that made typesetting machines.

::*Add attend between than & high school

::*Drop the comma after high school or add a subject noun or pronoun

• During the summer breaks, naval cadets served on ships to accustom them to life at sea, so while still at the Naval Academy, King served on the cruiser USS San Francisco during the Spanish–American War.[8]

::*During the summer breaks -> summer breaks is not specific.

::The last to should be for -> for modifies nouns -> to modifies verbs

Surface ships

• In June 1906, it escorted the Russian cruisers Oleg, Aurora and Zhemchug, survivors of the Battle of Tsushima, into Manila Bay, where they were interned.[13]

::*Add a comma after Aurora and drop the comma after Manila Bay

• Bouts of heavy drinking led to King being put under hatches, and a forthright and arrogant attitude bordering on insubordination led to adverse comments in his fitness reports.[14]

::Some of the content of the above sentence{{endash}}according to my copy of Master of Seapower{{endash}}doesn't square well with the source, Buell-pages 24 & 25.

:::*"Bouts of heavy drinking led to King being put under hatches" -> Indirectly, perhaps, but not directly. His punishment was for the disrespect and beavior shown toward his executive officer{{emdash}}

:::*forthright (British) is two weeks) -> It was for 10 days and suspended the following day.

:::*The source also tells us that 18 months later King was put under hatches again.p

::Rephrase the sentence and provide readers some context

::::: No transitional phrase to help bridge these sequential sentences?

• When he heard heard that members of the Annapolis class of 1902 were being sent home from the Asiatic Fleet, he sought and obtained an audience with Rear Admiral Charles J. Train.

::*See above

::* How about a bit of context here, including how an ensign who was put under hatches received an audience with a rear admiral?

• Train agreed that King was entitled to go home and arranged for him to travel on the former hospital ship USS Solace, which departed on 27 June.[15]

::*Context? -> when or where did King request to go home?

::*Was he granted Leave or reassigned?

• She took little interest in King's naval career, and confined her activities to her children and domestic affairs.[23]

::Drop the comma after career and substitute of the er(s)

• King's next assignment was as a gunnery officer on the battleship USS Alabama.

::When did he go aboard and what were his duties?

• King became a critic of shipboard organization, which was largely unchanged since the days of sail. He published his thoughts in Some Ideas About Organization on Board Ship in the United States Naval Institute Proceedings, which won a prize for best essay in 1909. "The writer fully realizes the possible opposition," he wrote, "for if there is anything more characteristic of the navy than its fighting ability, it is its inertia to change, or conservatism, or the clinging to things that are old because they are old."[24][25] In addition to a gold medal, the prize came with $500 (equivalent to $17,000 in 2023) and a lifetime membership of the United States Naval Institute.[26]

::Tell readers why this type of publication by a jr. officer was acceptable to his superiors.

lieutenant (junior grade).

• This involved traveling to Washington, D.C., for ten days of physical examinations and tests of his professional knowledge in May 1906.[27]

::Change tests to testing - testing measures the level of skill or knowledge that has been reached

• The final hurdle was an appearance before the selection board, which drew attention to his record of punishments for drinking and insubordination, before congratulating King on his promotion, which became effective on 7 June 1906.[24]

::*Change the first which to who

::*Replace comma which with that

::*Tell readers what kng was ordered to do before receiving his promotion

• Duty afloat alternated with duty ashore, so King's next assignment was at Annapolis, where he taught ordnance, gunnery and seamanship.

::*Drop the comma between Annapolis and where -> when what follows where is essential to the meaming of the sentence no comma is used

::*Add comma after gunnery

• This posting reunited him with Mattie, who had been living with her family in Baltimore.

::posting is a British military term -> assignment is customarily the u.s. Navy term

• In December 1915, King joined the staff of Vice Admiral Henry T. Mayo, the Commander in Chief, of the Atlantic Fleet.

::Why the comma after Chief?

• He received his first command, the destroyer USS Terry on 30 April 1914, participating in the United States occupation of Veracruz, escorting a mule transport from Galveston, Texas. He then moved on to his second command, a more modern destroyer, the USS Cassin on 18 July 1914.

::Replace , escorting with by escorting

• In December 1915, King joined the staff of Vice Admiral Henry T. Mayo, the Commander in Chief, of the Atlantic Fleet.

::Why the comma after Chief?

• After the United States entered World War I, King was a frequent visitor to the Royal Navy and occasionally saw action as an observer on board British ships.[31]

::How about some context

• He was awarded the Navy Cross "for distinguished service in the line of his profession as assistant chief of staff of the Atlantic Fleet."[32]

:: Are these" " marks or marks for empharse

• King was the last to continue this tradition.[33]

::Last American or Brit, or both?

• He bought a house there, where his family lived from then on.

::He bought a house -> Todays reader might view this as chauvinistic

• With Captains Dudley Knox and William S. Pye, King prepared a report on naval training that recommended changes to naval training and career paths, which gained wide circulation when he published it in the Proceedings.

::*he or they published it?

::*Will readers know what Proceedings is?

• Leahy told him he was too junior for a seagoing captain's command, and that nothing was available.

::Drop the comma after command

• After some discussion, King eventually accepted command of USS Bridge, a stores ship.

::the USS Bridge

Aside from having read Master of Seapower, I decided to review the article because Wikipedians are asked to Consider reviewing another nominated article for every one they nominate. I suspected that my own military service{{endash}}albeit at a modest level{{endash}}aboard two U.S. Navy destroyers could help me in navigating the article.

Olivia Blacke

Self Publishing or Traditional Publishing: Which is More Profitable

Your country needs you{{endash}}by Thelma M. Robinson{{endash}}is a self-published book, meaning that she is the author and publisher of it with Xlibis provdng the how to and on demand printing. Traditional book publishers select only about one to two percent of all authors, making self-publishing a viable and attainable alternative for authors who are not a notable business leader, celebrity, or influenceres.<>Source<>

Robinson is a graduate of the Cadet Nurse Corps nursing program who received her nursing degree from the Lincoln General Hospital School of Nursing in Lincoln, Nebraska.

Self-Publishing Costs:

Self-publishing is about as expensive as you choose it to be. If you hire professionals to help you with ea

Boot Monument - ACR - 9/5/24

Lead

• Erected in 1887 by John Watts de Peyster, it commemorates Major General Benedict Arnold's service at the Battles of Saratoga in the Continental Army, but does not mention him on the monument because Arnold later betrayed the Continental Army for the British Army.

::*Change Erected in to Erected during

::*Add while between Saratoga & in

::*Since the monument was sculptured before it was erected, why doesn't Bissell get equal billing with de Peyster? (de Peyster begins the paragraph and Bissell ends the paragraph)

• Arnold continued to grow ever more bitter towards the Continental Army when he was passed over for promotion, lost his business, and was court-martialed for abusing his power as military commander of Philadelphia.

::and he was court-martialed...

Background

• American Major General Benedict Arnold had contributed to both Battles of Saratoga, although the extent of his contributions to the first battle, the Battle of Freeman's Farm, are disputed.[4][5]

::Could you briefly share with readers the nature of the dispute(s)?

• Gates did not make much mention of Arnold's contributions in his report of the aftermath of the battle,[10] which contributed to Arnold's bitterness, along with his combat wounds, business troubles, Congress having promoted some rival and younger generals ahead of him, and a court martial after being convicted of two minor charges of using his role as military commander of Philadelphia to make a profit.[11]

::*This sentence contains about 65 words -> consider breaking it up

::*Add a hyphen to court martial

• This, along with the fact that his wife, Peggy Shippen, came from a family of Loyalists, caused Arnold to start making communications with the British army, with Sir Henry Clinton finally offering Arnold £20,000 for the capture of West Point,[12] a fortification that was important to the control of the Hudson River.[13]

::*Drop the comma afterThis

::*Replace comma (,) with with a semiclon

::*£20,000 -> what was the equivalent in continental currency?

• Arnold fled to the British army, and remained as a general there until the war ended.[14][15]

::*Drop the comma after army or add he between and remained

::*Arnold fled to the British army, -> where?

History

• John Watts de Peyster, a former major general for the New York State Militia during the American Civil War,[16] writer of several military histories about the Battle of Saratoga, and a vice president of the SMA,[2] wanted to commemorate Arnold's contribution to the Continental Army's victory over the British[1] and was unsatisfied with the Saratoga Battle Monument, where the niche where a statue of Arnold should have gone would remain empty.[17]

::*A 71 word sentence -> consider breaking it up

::*of the New York State Militia

::*a writer of...

::*Reaibility of the last clause? If it is essential to the meaning of the sentence then delete the comma before the frst where

• De Peyster considered Arnold a traitor, but still recognized his contributions at Saratoga.

::Drop the comma after traitor or add he between but & still

• He wanted to "honor some of Arnold's deeds without honoring the man"[1] but thought that simply a slab of granite to commemorate Arnold "would not do."[2]

::If the above is meant as " " marks then it will need attribution. If it is meant as emphasis it will look like so.

• He commissioned George Edwin Bissell,[2][3] who had designed other statues that Peyster had erected,[1] to sculpt a marker in white marble.[2]

::Should it be de Peyster?

• The toe of the Boot Monument was stolen by college boys on a trip[21][22] and they were only discovered when an anonymous informer (described as "a graduate of a New York State educational institution") told the battlefield official that the toe was stolen.[23]

::on a trip -> This term has more than a single meanings - what does it mean here?

• The monument was originally located at the top of the hill at the Breymann Redoubt site, but was later moved after further research as to where Arnold injured his leg, which was the more southern end of the main redoubt line.[26]

:::Add it between but & was

• The time at which this happened is disputed with some sources saying 1975,[3][27] while others say 1972.

::Drop the comma after while

• However, the monument was still at the Breymann Redoubt before the time of its move, and is still at the southern end of the redoubt.[1][28][29]

::Drop the comma after move or add it between and & is

Appearance

• It features a howitzer barrel, with a left-footed horseman's riding boot[4][33][34] and a two-star epaulette for a major general on top of the barrel.[36][37]

::Drop the comma after barrel

• One error in the inscription was that Arnold did not earn the rank of Major General after, and because of, Saratoga, but he became more senior than the other officers that had been promoted before him.[1]

::*was that or is that?

This is it for now, except to say: The article, in my view, is unique in American history and it's interesting and well done. It strikes me; however, that while the monument and Arnold would not seem severable, there is little in the article itself telling readers the most basic things about him.

• The words also change with the addition of suffixes and prefixes to them, and one such suffix is 'ing'. The 'ing' words are used in the present, past and future continuous tenses. The words having 'ing' as the suffix can be used to refer to those verbs which are going on or were going on or will be going on.

• SPARS is about the Women who served in the U.S. Coast Guard Women's Reserve during WW II. Created by the U.S Congress, it authorized the USCG to replace male officers and enlisted men with women at shore stations. Working with the top-secret LORAN project was its most unique assignment. LORAN was a land-based radio navigation system developed to monitor locations of ships at sea and aircraft in flight. Monitoring stations were able to calculate a ship's exact location by measuring the amount of time each signal took to reach a ship. Chatham, Massachusetts, was staffed by SPARS and believed to be the only all-female staffed monitoring station of its kind in the world.

• A comma before the word “where” is necessary, when it is part of a non-restrictive clause introducing additional information that is not necessary for the meaning of the main sentence.

Comma Before “Where” ~ Rules & Examples - BachelorPrint

An independent{{endash}}main{{endash}}clause and a dependent{{endash}}subordinte{{endash}}clause are not joined by a comma. -> Drop the comma or add a subject noun or pronoun to the dependent

Quite simply, repetition is the repeating of a word or phrase. It is a common rhetorical device used to add emphasis and stress in writing and speech. Repetition is widely used in both poetry and prose; throughout all genres and forms of literature and oral tradition. Aside from helping stress or highlight important thoughts and points, repetition can be a key tool for authors and speakers in developing style, tone, and rhythm.

Repetition reinforces themes, emphasizes key points, creates rhythm, and effectively enhances emotional impact within storytelling narratives. Repetition can add depth and meaning to your stories by reinforcing key points and creating a sense of emphasis.

'

Jozo Tomasevich FAC-/5/24

Lead:

• Tomasevich was born in the Kingdom of Dalmatia, [then] part of Austria-Hungary, and after completing his [formal] schooling , [he] earned a doctorate in economics at [from] the University of Basel in Switzerland.

::Look these changes over

• His final book was the second volume of the series – War and Revolution in Yugoslavia 1941–1945: Occupation and Collaboration – which was published posthumously in 2001 after editing by his daughter Neda.

::after usually means -> in the time following an event or another period <-> in which case, it soumds like the book was edited after its publication - what am I missing?

• In an obituary in the Slavic Review, Tomasevich was described as "a master of scholarly skills, a person of bountiful erudition, wit and human dignity".

::Why is an not his?

Early life

• Košarni Do is a hamlet of Donja Banda and is today part of the Orebić municipality within the Dubrovnik-Neretva County of Croatia.[1]

::today?

• Nado returned to the village in 1894, [and he] married the daughter of his first cousin and worked as a farmer.

::Suggest these changes

• In 1938, he was the recipient of a two-year Rockefeller fellowship and moved to the US,[3] thereby "availing himself of the rich resources of Harvard University".

::"availing himself of the rich resources of Harvard University" -> If this is a direct quote, should there be attribution-if not, then should italics be used?

• The other brother living in Košarni Do received the share of the fourth brother who, by then, was a merchant mariner living in New Zealand.[4]

::Could drop "other"

• Before the outbreak of World War II – and now known by the anglicised Tomasevich – he moved to California.

::and then known

• In 1937, Tomasevich married Neda Brelić, a high school teacher. They were happily married for 57 years and had three children – Anthony, Neda Ann, and Lasta. In 1976, Tomasevich contributed an essay to a book in which he conducted a sociological and historical analysis of his extended family reaching back to the early nineteenth century.

::Somehow,Chronologically, these sentences seem out of order?

• His widow Neda died on July 5, 2002, at 88.[8]

:: Is where she died relative?

Yugoslavia's economy

• The first appeared in German in 1934 and was titled Die Staatsschulden Jugoslaviens (The National Debt of Yugoslavia).

::during 1934

• The following year, he had Financijska politika Jugoslavije, 1929–1934 (Fiscal Policy of Yugoslavia, 1929–1934) published in Serbo-Croatian, covering much of the same material but more accessible to Yugoslavs.[1]

::*Does 1929-1934 need to be repeated?

::*which covered

• A 1940 review of the book in Weltwirtschaftliches Archiv, by Professor Mirko Lamer – who later served with the United Nations as an expert at the Food and Agriculture Organization – described Novac i kredit as an important work that filled a large gap in Yugoslav economic literature, and also gave a vivid picture of then-current economic theory.[9]

::and it also

International marine resources and Yugoslav peasants

• The first [book] was International Agreements on Preservation of Marine Resources, [that was] published by Stanford University Press in 1943.

::Suggest the above changes

• The second book, Peasants, Politics, and Economic Change in Yugoslavia [was] published in 1955, was [and] described by Vucinich as "a study of monumental scope [which] has been widely recognized as the most comprehensive and accomplished study in the field".

::Suggest the above changes

World War II

• In 1957, Tomasevich received a San Francisco State University grant for Slavic and Eastern European studies.[12]

:Suggest -> In 1957, Tomasevich received a grant from San Francisco State University for Slavic and Eastern European studies.[12]

• The first volume focused on the Chetnik movement led by Draža Mihailović, which was subtitled The Chetniks and appeared in 1975.

::In the context used, what does appeared mean?

• Soon after it was published, the book was reviewed by Phyllis Auty, professor of modern history at Simon Fraser University.

::Replace the comma with "who was a

• The third volume in the planned trilogy, which was to cover the Partisans, was 75 per cent complete at the time of his death,[1] and remains unpublished.

::and it

This is it for now.

CSS General Earl Van Dorn ACR 6/23/24

Lead

• General Earl Van Dorn was purchased for Confederate service at New Orleans, Louisiana, in early 1862 for service with the River Defense Fleet.

::Change for service with to serve with

• Her conversion into a cottonclad warship involved installing an iron-covered framework of timbers to her bow to serve as a ram, and protecting her machinery with timber bulkheads packed with cotton.

::Her conversion -> She was converted

:::The general rule: A subject pronoun (she) is used in the subject of a sentence. A subject pronoun indicates who or what the sentence is about. An object pronoun (her) is used to indicate what receives the action in a sentence.

::::Suggest -> She was converted into a cottonclad warship by installing an iron-covered framework of timbers to her bow that would serve as a ram, and the ship's machinery was protected with timber bulkheads packed with cotton.

• General Earl Van Dorn left New Orleans in late March 1862 and arrived at Memphis, Tennessee, early the next month.

::For what purpose?

• Suggest adding this or something like it -> The Van Dorn was a Side-wheeler powered by steam and was {{convert|182|ft|m}} long. She carried a single cannon on her bow{{emdash}}a 32-pounder. (BTW, the dictionary spells it Side-wheeler as does the link.

Purchase and conversion

• The ships were intended to defend the Mississippi River.[2]

::What part?

• The vessels of the River Defense Fleet were intended to be used as rams,[8] and were known as cottonclads.[9]

::and they were known

• Their conversion into warships involved adding 1 inch (2.5 cm) of iron plating backed by 4 inches (10 cm) of oak planking, on a framework of one-foot-square timbers to the bow.

::Why the comma between oak planking & on?

• The engines and boilers were protected by an inner bulkhead of one-foot-square timbers, with an outer bulkhead of six-by-twelve timbers.

::*Why the comma after timbers?

• General Earl Van Dorn was placed under the command of Captain Isaac Fulkerson,[11] and left New Orleans for Memphis, Tennessee, on March 25.[7] Defense Fleet.

:: and it left

• The Confederate States War Department desired for [that] the ships to serve in the Tennessee, Kentucky, and Missouri area to protect [this] that portion of the Mississippi River, while [but] local interests pushed for the ships to remain at New Orleans.

::Suggest the above changes

• Rather than sending all of the ships upriver, the Confederate commander at New Orleans, Major General Mansfield Lovell[,] held part of the fleet at New Orleans , after a river barrier defending New Orleans failed.[12]

::Suggest the above changes

• General Earl Van Dorn was armed with a single cannon on her bow – a 32-pounder cannon,[14] which was a common naval gun that was smoothbore and muzzleloading.[15]

::Suggest: General Earl Van Dorn was armed with a single 32-pounder cannon on her bow, which was a common naval gun that was smoothbore and muzzleloading.

• Conspicuously absent is anything on the machimery that powered and propelled the Side-wheeler.

Plum Point Bend and Memphis

• On May 10, [add year] the Confederates attacked , bringing on the Battle of Plum Point Bend.[7]

::Suggest the above changes

• Seven of the Confederate vessels [envolved] were arranged in order of speed , with the fastest vessels at the front; General Earl Van Dorn was fourth in the column.[18]

::Suggest the above changes

• Mongomery's ships reached Memphis on June 5, but there was a shortage of coal for their fuel.

::Mongomery's -> sp

• At a council of war, Montgomery and his captains decided to fight the pursuing Union forces, rather than scuttle their ships and retreat overland with the army or scuttle a portion of the fleet and use the remaining coal to escape with the rest.[26]

Drop the comma after forces and add a comma after aarmy

• Montgomery arranged his ships in three rows of two vessels, with General Sterling Price in the rear and CSS Little Rebel not having an assigned position.

::Why the comma after vessels?

• General Earl Van Dorn was in the third row, along with General Bragg.[27]

::Why the comma after row?

• The heavy guns of the ironclads and the ramming tactics of the United States Ram Fleet had been decisive at Memphis.[29]

::Replacae had been with was

• The cotton cladding on General Bragg caught fire and that vessel had to be abandoned.[30]

::Replace that vessel had to be with it was

• The wreck was removed by the United States Army Corps of Engineers in 1878 and 1879.[35]

::The wreckage

. Its purpose was to release male officers and enlisted men for sea duty by replacing them with women at shore stations. This same month, Dorothy C. Stratton was appointed director of the Women's Reserve and given the rank of lieutenant commander. She was later promoted to captain.

Boot Monument

Lead:

• it commemorates Major General Benedict Arnold's service at the Battles of Saratoga in the Continental Army, but does not mention him on the monument because of Arnold's betrayal to the British Army.

::*[while] in the continental army...

::*but [the monument] does not...

• Instead, it commemorates Arnold as the "most brilliant soldier of the Continental Army".

::For emphasis, the MOS suggests using italics-...

|

Emphasis

Main page: Wikipedia:Manual of Style/Text formatting § Emphasis

Italics are used for emphasis, rather than boldface or capitals. But overuse diminishes its effect; consider rewriting instead.

Use ... or {{em|...}} for emphasis. This allows user style sheets to handle emphasis in a customized way, and helps reusers and translators.[2]

Correct: The meerkat is not actually a cat.

Correct: The meerkat is {{em|not}} actually a cat.

Titles

|

Jozo Tomasevich ACR 3/29/24

PM - I'm reversing myself and posting my comments at this time. If some overlapping occurs, you have my apology. Regards!

Lead

• Josip "Jozo" Tomasevich (1908 – October 15, 1994; Serbo-Croatian: Josip Tomašević) was an American economist and historian who was a leading expert on the economic and social history of the former Yugoslavia, and after his retirement was appointed professor emeritus of economics at San Francisco State University.

::*was an American economist and historian -> how is this specifically exemplified in the body of the article?

::*and after his retirement "he" was

• Tomasevich was born in the Kingdom of Dalmatia, part of Austria-Hungary, and after completing his schooling, gained a doctorate in economics at the University of Basel in Switzerland.

::"he" "earned"

• In the mid-1930s, he worked at the National Bank of Yugoslavia in Belgrade and published three well-received books on Yugoslav national debt, fiscal policy, and money and credit, respectively.

::*Should it be "Yugoslav's" national debt...?

::*Drop the comma after credit

• In 1938, he moved to the US as the recipient of a two-year Rockefeller fellowship and conducted research at Harvard University before joining the academic staff of Stanford University.

::US -> first use?

• He combined research and teaching there for twenty-five years until his retirement in 1973, broken by a year teaching at Columbia University in 1954.

::"which was" broken by a year "of" teaching at

• Between 1943 and 1955, Tomasevich published two books on economic matters, one focused on marine resources and the other on the peasant economy of Yugoslavia, both of which were positively reviewed.

::Look this version over: Between 1943 and 1955, Tomasevich had two books published on economic matters; one focused on marine resources and the other on the economy of Yugoslavia at the time and both of them received positive reviews.

• Positively reviewed by scholars such as Phyllis Auty, Alexander Vucinich and John C. Campbell of the Council on Foreign Relations, it was also criticised for bias against Serbs, its length and repetition, by the political scientist Alex N. Dragnich.

::*What was "Positively reviewed"?

::*[but[ it was

::*Drop the comma after repetition

• Tomasevich died in California in 1994.

::Might this sentence be better placed before the sentence begining with 2002?

• It focused on [the] collaboration and the quisling governments in Yugoslavia during the war , with a strong emphasis on the Axis puppet state , [and] the so-called Independent State of Croatia.

::Look this over

Early life

• Josip "Jozo" Tomašević was born in 1908 in the village of Košarni Do on the Pelješac peninsula in the Kingdom of Dalmatia, part of Austria-Hungary.

::"which was" part of

• Košarni Do is near the village of Donja Banda and is today part of the Orebić municipality within the Dubrovnik-Neretva County of Croatia.

:: "in 2023 was"

• He [Nado] returned to the village in 1894, [and he] married the daughter of his first cousin and worked as a farmer.

::Look this over

• In 1938, he was the recipient of a two-year Rockefeller fellowship and moved to the US,[3] "availing himself of the rich resources of Harvard University".[1]

::"and" availing himself

• The other brother living in Košarni Do received the share of the fourth brother , who [,] by then[,] was a merchant mariner living in New Zealand.[4]

::Look this over

• His preference was for a position combining teaching and research, so in 1948, he joined the San Francisco State College (later San Francisco State University).

::Drop the comma after 1948

• He taught there for twenty-five years until he retired in 1973 – except in 1954 when he taught at Columbia University.[1]

::Replace the first he with his name

• According to Vucinich, from when Tomasevich was 25 until his death at 86, he engaged himself in a succession of research projects , some of which [some] were very extensive.

::Look this over

• Between 1934 and 1938, Tomasevich published three books.

::Suggest -> Tomasevich had three books published?

• The following year, he published Financijska politika Jugoslavije, 1929–1934 (Fiscal Policy of Yugoslavia, 1929–1934) in Serbo-Croatian, covering much of the same material but more accessible to Yugoslavs.[1]

::he "had" pubished?

• A 1940 review of the book in Weltwirtschaftliches Archiv, by Professor Mirko Lamer – who later served with the United Nations as an expert at the Food and Agriculture Organization – described Novac i kredit as an important work that filled a large gap in Yugoslav economic literature, and gave a vivid picture of then-current economic theory.[9]

::and "it" gave

• Irwin T. Sanders of the Department of Sociology at the University of Kentucky reviewed the book in 1956 and stated that it was "the best book available for anyone wishing to understand the socio-economic pre-Communist background of Yugoslavia", contained realistic evaluations of the peasant political parties, and concluded that "there is little question about the soundness of his economic analysis or his description of the participation of the peasant in national life".

::Think about splitting this 72 word sentence?

• The first volume focused on the Chetnik movement led by Draža Mihailović, and [which was] subtitled The Chetniks , [and] appeared in 1975.

::Look this over

• Auty praised Tomasevich's detachment from the subject, and stated that it was "likely to remain the standard book on this subject for a long time."

::and "she" stated

• The second volume of his planned trilogy – War and Revolution in Yugoslavia 1941–1945: Occupation and Collaboration – concentrated on collaboration and the quisling governments in Yugoslavia during the war,[1] with a strong emphasis on the Axis puppet state, the so-called Independent State of Croatia led by Ante Pavelić, the head of the fascist Ustaše movement, and was published posthumously in 2001 with editing from his daughter Neda.

::Could you split this 67 word sentence?

• In a review of the book published the following year, the Royal Military Academy Sandhurst lecturer and German historian Klaus Schmider described Tomasevich's grasp of the sources in five languages as "stupendous",[19] and [they] observed that the result was well worth the twenty-six-year wait between the volumes.

::Add "they"

• The third volume in the planned trilogy, which was to cover the Partisans, was 75 per cent complete at the time of his death,[1] and as of 2024 , [it] remains unpublished.[19]

::Suggest the above change

This is it for now!

Dorothy Olsen -FACR - 3/5/24

Lead

• Dorothy Eleanor Olsen (née Kocher; July 10, 1916 – July 23, 2019) was an American aircraft pilot and member of the Women Airforce Service Pilots (WASPs) in World War II. She grew up on her family's farm in Oregon, developing an interest in aviation at a young age. She earned her private pilot's license in 1939, when it was unusual for women to be pilots.

::Woodburn, Oregon would be more reader friendly

• When the United States entered the war, she joined the WASPs where she was a civilian employee of the military.

::*The U.S. declared war on Japan and Germany on December 11, 1941, but the WASP was not formed as such until August 1943 -> Change the introductory phrase accordingly

::*a civilian employee of the military -> the Department of Defense (and other sources) confirm that the WASP members were United States federal civil service employees who were attached to the United States Army Air Forces. https://www.defense.gov/News/News-Stories/Article/Article/684700/wasps-were-pioneers-for-female-pilots-of-today-tomotrow/

::*After training in Texas, she was assigned to the Sixth Ferrying Group in Long Beach, California where she worked ferrying new aircraft to airbases from the factories where they were built.

::*Add a comma after California

::*Consider: ferrying new aircraft from factories where they were bulit to U.S. airbases -> gets rid of one where.

• After the war, Olsen retired from flying and moved to Washington, where she raised a family and lived for the rest of her life.

::*Washington state is reader freindly

::*Drop the comma after Washington

::*where she "married and"

• In 2009, she was awarded the Congressional Gold Medal honoring her service during the war.

::The medal was awarded to the WASP and she and others were the recipients of it.

• Olsen died in 2019, at the age of 103.

::Drop the comma after 2019

Early life

• Dorothy Eleanor Olsen (née Kocher; July 10, 1916 – July 23, 2019) was an American aircraft pilot and member of the Women Airforce Service Pilots (WASPs) in World War II.

::*and " a" member of

::*"during" WWII

• She grew up on her family's farm in Oregon, developing an interest in aviation at a young age.

::*Could we beef this up a bit more: Did she attend local schools - what high school did she graduate from and when; was she active in school clubs or sports?

:::*What did she do between high school graduation and getting her pilots lic.?

• She decided she wanted to fly airplanes when she was eight, after reading The Red Knight of Germany, Floyd Gibbons's biography of World War I flying ace Manfred von Richthofen.

::*In the first nine words of this sentence, the word she is used three time?

::*Drop the comma after eight

• Her introduction to flight was when she took a biplane ride at a state fair, which inspired her to take flying lessons;[2][3] the cost of the flight reportedly used her entire savings.[4]

::This sentence has four pronouns referring to Olsen without nemtioning her proper name -> Suggest starting the sentence with her proper name and rephrasing to drop at least one pronoun

WASPs

• Snce the Olsen story revolves around the WASP, why not tell readers a bit about this organization such as - it was formed by the merging of two similar orgaizations and who were the envolved principals, how many miles did it collectively fly, how much were members paid, number of fatalities etc.
• Olsen joined the Woman Airforce Service PIlots (WASPs) in 1943 when the program was created; this was an organization of women pilots who took non-combat flying jobs as civilian employees of the military.

::*How about a little context here: how did Olsen learn the WASP was recruiting, where did she sign up, how much was she to be paid per month etc?

::*PIlots -> sp

::*non-combat -> noncombatan?

• Initial training was in the Fairchild PT-19, progressing to the Vultee BT-13, the North American AT-6, and finally to the twin-engine Beechcraft AT-11.[6]: time index 15:10 

::*Drop the first comma & add and then

::*time index 15:10?

• Olsen initially hated her training, but stayed with the program to avoid the embarrassment of dropping out;[8] in a 2010 interview, she recollected crowded housing, insects, and poor weather which made the conditions "pretty primitive".[6]: time index 59:54 

::*but "she" stayed

::*Change which to that

• Despite being sick with a cold on her return, she passed a checkride which included aerobatic maneuvers, allowing her to stay with her class although she struggled to catch up.[8]

::Change which to that

• She graduated on August 7, 1943[2][8] and was assigned to the Sixth Ferrying Group in Long Beach, California.[10]

::Add a comma after 1943

• Olsen flew 61 missions for the U.S. Army Air Corps, delivering brand new planes from the factory.

::According to this link, U.S. Army Air Corps, the USAAC became the United States Army Air Forces (USAAF) on 20 June 1941.

::Is the word "brand" necessary?

• A typical assignment was to ferry a P-38 or P-51 from Long Beach to Newark, New Jersey, then get a military transport flight to Niagra Falls, New York, where she would pick up a Bell P-63 for delivery to Great Falls, Montana and then return to Long Beach for another trip.

::*A typical assignment "for Olsen" was

::*Add a comment after Montana

::*Niagra -> sp

::*pickup is one word

• When the WASP program ended in 1944, the pilots were discharged at their home bases, with no transportation allowance to get back home.[3]

::Add "but" after bases,

After the war

• After the war, she married Harold W. Olsen of the Washington State Police Department, and moved to University Place, Washington.

::and 'they' moved

• Nerve damage from a dental procedure left her deaf for many years but at the age of 80, she received cochlear implants which restored her hearing.

::*Add a comma after years and drop the comma after 80

::*Change which to that

Battle of Big Black River Bridge A/C-2/26/24

I leave you with a passel of comments and look forward to your responses.

Lead

• During the American Civil War, the city of Vicksburg, Mississippi, was a key point on the Mississippi River.

::Since the ACW is spelled out in the previous sentence could abbreviate it to 'war' here

• On April 30, 1863, a Union army commanded by Major General Ulysses S. Grant began crossing onto the east side of the Mississippi River.

::Why - add just a bit of context?

• After [engaging and] defeating Confederate forces in several intermediate battles, Grant's army defeated Lieutenant General John C. Pemberton's Confederates at the decisive Battle of Champion Hill on May 16.

::Consider the above change

• One division of Pemberton's army, commanded by Major General William W. Loring, had become cut off from Pemberton's main body during the retreat from Champion Hill.

::Consider this version: During the retreat from Champion Hill, one division of Pemberton's army, commanded by Major General William W. Loring, was cutoff from Pemberton's main body.

• Pemberton did not know of the location of Loring's division, and [he] held a bridg[e]head on the east side of the Big Black River on the morning of May 17 to cover Loring's anticipated withdrawal across the river [on the morning of May 17].

::Consider the above changes

• Union Brigadier General Michael Kelly Lawler advanced his troops into an old meander in advance of the main Union line on the north end of the battlefield.

::advanced his troops to an old meander on the river?

• Th[e]is withdrawal became chaotic and roughly 1,750 Confederate soldiers and 18 cannons were captured; with the cannons [were] captured due to an error that left their [because the teams of horses [horse-drawn cannons were erronouesly] positioned on the other side of the Big Black River.

::*Consider the above changes

::*The number reported under "Aftertnath" is 1,751?

• The surviving Confederate soldiers entered the fortifications at Vicksburg, Mississippi, and the siege of Vicksburg began the next day[;] , [it] end[ed] ing in [the] a Confederate surrender on July 4, [1863].

::Consider the above changes

Background

• The strategically important city of Vicksburg, Mississippi, was still in Confederate hands, [and it served] serving as a strong defensive position that commanded the river and pr[e]vented the Union from separating the two halves of the Confederacy.[4]

::Consider the above changes

• An attempt to cut Williams's Canal across a meander of the river in June and July, bypassing Vicksburg, failed.[7][8]

::Consider: An attempt during June and July to cut-across Williams's Canal, a meander in the river, that bypassed Vicksburg failed.

• Grant ordered a retreat after a supply depot and part of his supply line were destroyed during the Holly Springs Raid on December 20 and Forrest's West Tennessee Raid.

::*Since Grant did not order a retreat until after the his supply lines were destroyed this might be a better way to phrase it?

::*Does the date apply to both raids?

• [Then] A [a]fter diverting up the Yazoo River, Sherman's men began skirmishing with Confederate soldiers [who were] defending a line of hills above the Chickasaw Bayou.

::Consider the above changes

• The advance along the west bank of the Mississippi began on March 29, and [it] was spearheaded by Major General John A. McClernand's [XIII Corps] troops , the XIII Corps.

::Consider the above changes

Prelude'

• On April 29, the Union Navy's Mississippi Squadron, commanded by David Dixon Porter, attempted to bombard the Confederate defenses at Grand Gulf, Mississippi, but the resulting Battle of Grand Gulf failed to drive the Confederates away.

::attempted [?] to bombard

• On the morning of May 12, McPherson's encountered Confederate troops near Raymond, Mississippi, bringing on the Battle of Raymond.

::McPherson's or McPherson?

• A delaying action was fought on May 14.[26]

::A bit of context here would help?

• However, Johnston then marched his army away from the area in which a combination with Pemberton could easily be made.

::Could "have been" easily made

• While Pemberton favored making a stand behind the Big Black River, he was convinced by some of his subordinate officers to make an offensive strike towards where Grant's supply line was believed to be.[29]

::Is towards necessary?

• Pemberton did not know that Grant had forgone utilizing a traditional line of communications during his movement inland.[30]

::*What is the significance of this to readers

::*The sentence above does not seem to transition well with the one below?

• While the Confederates began a difficult march, Grant moved west in three columns towards Edwards.[31]

::Why was the march difficult?

Battle

• [In preparing for what was likely to transoire,] Pemberton had a portion of his army hold a [the] line east of the Big Black River , in order to prevent Loring from being cut off from the main Confederate body at the crossing.

::*Consider the above changes -> Transition (linguistics)

::*cutoff is one word

::*What crossing?

• In early May[37] the Confederate defense line had been laid out by Samuel H. Lockett.[38]

::*defense line, or defensive line?

::*Change had been to was

• The works were made of cotton bales and dirt.

::*works seems more like a collective noun?

::*The defensive line of the previous sentence seems to be the works in this sentence, and the works is also used in some sentences that follow - in which case readers need some clarity of the term.

• To the south lay a body of water named Gin Lake[,] ; the Confederate right flank was at the lake , with the line running north to the Big Black River, which made a bend east of the bridge across the Big Black River.

::Consider the above changes

• The [tracks] path of the railroad ran on a raised [roadbed] embankment.

::*Consider the above changes

::*I'm unable to find how this sentence relaates to any other sentence, fact or idea?

• The Confederate line was just west of the bayou, and trees were felled at the bayou to form abatis.

::"an" abatis

• Bowen commanded this 5,000-man force, which he deemed insufficent to strongly man the entire Confederate defensive works.[44]

::insufficent -> sp?

• The Confederates had 18 cannon.[35]

::Why is cannon sigular?

• Vaughn's men and the 4th Mississippi were positioned in an area north of the railroad where the enemy was least expected to attack, and Brigadier General Martin E. Green's brigade held the far left.[49]

::Change enemy to the Union

• If the Confederates were forced to retreat, they would have [had] to cross open ground to the bridge and Dot, which would become bottlenecks in a retreat.

::Consider the above chabge

• Early on the morning of May 17, McClernand's troops advanced through Edwards, and then encountered the Confederate line.

::Drop the comma after Edwards or add they after then

• The Illinoisans encountered the Confederate lines,[51] and then took up position in the woods facing the north end of the Confederate line.

::*Add "they" atter and

::*took up "a" position

• Benton's men took up a position in the fields east of the woods to on the Union right, and Brigadier General Michael Kelly Lawler's brigade formed south of the road.[52]

::is it "to" or "on'

• This movement worried Carr, who shifted Lawler to Benton's right, while Brigadier General Peter J. Osterhaus's division deployed to the south.

::Drop the comma after Carr

• Two cannons positioned themselves in a small clearing between the right of the woods and the Big Black River, with the 22nd Iowa Infantry Regiment in support.

::*Two cannons positioned themselves -> how can this be?

::*"and" with the

• This position allowed Lawler to enfilade the Confederate position east of the bayou, as well as part of the primary defensive works.[60][61]

::Instead of enfilade, how about the ordinary words of a dictionary: direct a volley of gunfire along the length of a target, or something similar?

• The two regiments sent from Garrard's brigade to the right took the position previously occupired by the 22nd Iowa, who [and they] also moved in[on]to the meander.

::Consider the above changes

::*occupired -> sp

• Colonel William Kinsman, the commander of the 23rd Iowa, proposed to Lawler that his regiment should attack the Confederates[;] , [Kinsman] reasoning [was] that the Confederates would only have time to fire one volley before the Union soliders reached the defenses[,] and that the Confederates might not put up a stiff fight after the Champion Hill defeat.

::*Consider the above changes, but since this sentence is over 50 words you might want to split it?

::*soliders -> sp

• Lawler ordered a charge by his whole brigade[;] , with the 21st and 23rd Iowa in the front rank while the other two regiments charged behind.

::Consider the above changes

• The 49th and 69th Indiana joined the attack[;] ,[67] while Lawler's men advanced at an angle across Green's front, [and] striking one of Vaughn's regiments, the 61st Tennessee Infantry Regiment.[68]

::Consider the above changes

• Lawler's men stopped to fire once they reached the abatis[;] , and the Tennesseans [were] routed, and the defenders either ran away or surrendered.[68]

::Consider the above changes

• He then formed a new line west of the river , [by] using the brigades of Brigadier Generals Stephen D. Lee and William E. Baldwin, who had arrived from Bovina, Mississippi, and part of Landis's Missouri Battery [that] , which had been positioned on the west bank before the battle.
• Two other Confederate steamboats, Charm and Paul Jones, who had been located downstream from the bridge, were also burned.[74]

::Consider the above changes for these two sentences

Aftermath and preservation

• Albert Lee's men spent the afternoon [add date and year] in low-intensity fighting across the river against [a] the Confederate force there, while Carr and Smith's men patrolled the field.[75]

::Comsider the above changes

• The Union reported the capture of 1,751 Confederates, as well as 18 cannon[s].[76]

::*Consider the above changes

::*It's reported above at 1,750?

• The Confederate artillery losses [came about because] were due to the horse[-drawn] teams for the cannons [had been erroneously] being moved across the river before the battle for unclear reasons.

::Consider the above changes

• Green reported having suffered 485 casualties, while two of Vaughn's regiments combined for 546 losses.

::Consider the above changes

• Most of these casualties were in prisoners or [those] missing in action.

::Consider the above changes

The 4th Mississippi, one of Vaughn's regiments, and Cockrell's brigade did not report losses, but [they were] are known to have suffered heavily in men captured.[79]

::Consider the above changes

• Pemberton ordered several outlying positions withdrawn into the main lines and the Vicksburg defenses were also physically improved.

::Consider the above changes

• There was much outrage against Pemberton within the Confederate army due to the events of the past several days.[85]

::What events?

• Loring had noticed light from fires in Union-occupied Edwards on the morning of May 17, and with the way blocked [he] , instead marched his men to Jackson , joining [where they joined] forces with Johnston on May 19.

::Consider the above changes

• Sherman sent a cavalry regiment towards Snyder's Bluff, where the Confederate fortifications were found to have been abandoned; [while] Grant's army had regained a connection to the Union Navy elements [on] in the Yazoo River.[87]

::Consider the above changes

• Aftermath

::A close reading of the content of the aftermath part of the above section suggests that much of it might not fall within the ordinary meaning of aftermath.

:::*See Section headings and Article titles of the MOS - Wikipedia:Manual of Style

:::*The new Oxford American Dictionary defines the meaning of aftermath as "the consequences or aftereffects of a significant unpleasant event, and it further defines aftereffects as "an effect that follows after the primary action of something.

:::::What do you think?

Post Aftermath

The new Oxford American Dictionary defines the meaning of aftermath as "the consequences or aftereffects of a significant unpleasant event, and it further defines aftereffects as "an effect that follows after the primary action of something.

What do you think?

Pendright - I'll see what @WP:MILHIST coordinators: have to say. I've used the "Aftermath" heading in a number of other GA/FA articles about battles before, so I'd like additional opinions as this change would affect a number of articles. Hog Farm Talk 22:35, 10 March 2024 (UTC)[reply]

@Hog Farm: Unfortunately, there seems to be problems between what I said and your understanding of it. The issue I raise is not at all about the use of the Aftermath heading, it's about some of the content contained within the Aftermath part of the section that seems more relevant to the Battle section.

So chew on this for a bit and then you decide whether or not any changes seem necessary.Pendright (talk) 21:42, 11 March 2024 (UTC)[reply]

It's one of the suggested heading names in articles on battles at Wikipedia:WikiProject Military history/Content guide#Battles, and is widely used. It seems to be in line with the Oxford dictionary definition noted above. Nick-D (talk) 22:55, 10 March 2024 (UTC)[reply]

I agree with Nick-D. It is in the manual of style, provides context and almost all of the events have further developments in a war or at its end. I am not going to go back and look but it would be safe to assume that all 99 military history articles that I have written would need to be changed, and the end would usually be left dangling with the question, so where do I look to see what happened next if the dictionary definition were to be strictly and narrowly interpreted and used to cut off these sections. The manual of style, along with common and accepted practice for military history articles, provide a sufficient basis for continuing to use these sections in military history articles. Donner60 (talk) 23:20, 10 March 2024 (UTC)[reply]

{Pinhg|Hog Farm} {Ping|Nick-D} {PiNg|Donner60} This aftermath thing seems to have gotten out of hand, so let's bring some perspective to it by reviewing the facts. Initially, I stated that - A close reading of the content of the Aftermath part of the above section suggests that much of it might not fall within the ordinary meaning of aftermath. I followed up by asking - What do you think? Your response to this was - "I'll see what @WP:MILHIST coordinators have to say. They had plenty to say, however, it seemed as though they were responding to something other than the question I put to you. In our most recent exchange, I stated - Chew on this for a bit [the Aftermath content] and then you decide whether any changes seem necessary. To which you replied - Oh, okay - I've moved the first paragraph about the casualties and battlefield cleanup out of the aftermath section - does this resolve the issue? There was no issue to resolve - my comment merely asked you to decide whether changes to the content were necessary. You opted for change, so consider the matter closed.